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COME NOW the Defendants, FRODO BAGGINS (hereinafter "Frodo") and SAMWISE GAMGEE (hereinafter "Sam"), and hereby serve and file their Answer, Affirmative Defenses, Counterclaim and Third-Party Complaint as follows:
1. Admitted that Sauron is an unnatural person. Denied that in his present excorporeal state that he is capable of residing or being domiciled anywhere.
2. Denied that Frodo and Sam are natural persons, but admitted that they are natural halflings.
3. Admitted for jurisdictional purposes only.
4. Denied. Specifically, Sam denies ever possessing the Ring (except for a short period of time during which he was under the reasonable, albeit mistaken, belief that Frodo was deceased). Further, Frodo denies that he converted the Ring or trespassed on the same while the Ring was in the possession of Sauron.
5. Admitted that the Ring was destroyed on or about the last day of the Third Age. However, Denied that either Frodo or Sam caused the destruction of the same. The Defendants are without knowledge of what activities were being undertaken by the Plaintiff or his minions at the time of the destruction of the Ring and therefore the allegations regarding the same are denied. All remaining allegation in this paragraph are denied.
6. Without knowledge and therefore denied. It is specifically denied that Sauron can recover for loss of consortium with the Ring, as this would be considered an unnatural act under the Middle Earth Code which is applicable to the plaintiff, despite the fact that he is an unnatural being.
7. Denied.
AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSES:
1. Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that Frodo was a bona fide owner and holder in due course of the Ring, and had no knowledge that it was stolen at the time it was transferred to him. Frodo received good title to the Ring either from his cousin/uncle Bilbo Baggins, or by the Counsel of Elrond.
2. Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that Sauron committed a fraud upon the elves, dwarves and men when he created the Ring, and therefore he has waived all interest in ownership and possession of that which should never have been made.
3. Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that they did not destroy the Ring, but rather the Ring was destroyed by the independent intervening acts of a third party, namely one Smeagol a/k/a Gollum.
4. Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that Sauron does not come to this Court with clean hands, as he caused nine unnamed co-conspirators (hereinafter collectively, "Nazgul" or "Wraiths") to assault and batter Frodo and Same when they were returning the Ring to Mordor.
5. Frodo and Sam affirmatively allege that Sauron's claim of ownership of the Ring is barred by the statute of limitations and by the doctrine of laches, as the Ring had not been in the possession of Sauron for many centuries at the time it came into the possession of Frodo and/or Sam.
COUNTERCLAIM:
COME NOW the Defendants/CounterPlaintiffs, FRODO BAGGINS (hereinafter "Frodo") and SAMWISE GAMGEE (hereinafter "Sam") and sue the Plaintiff, SAURON, and state:
1. This is an action for personal injury, the intentional infliction of emotional distress, and product liability.
2. During the events described in the Complaint and Affirmative Defenses, Sauron attacked Frodo, either personally or through his agents, the Nazgul. These attacks were either physical (e.g. the dagger to Frodo's shoulder) or psychic in nature.
3. Further, during the attacks referenced in the previous paragraph, Sauron and/or his minions negligently or recklessly caused physical and emotional damages to Sam, during their self-help attempt to recover the Ring.
4. Additionally, the Ring, created by Sauron, was a defective and dangerous product manufactured by Sauron. Specifically, it contained no safety device which prevented its use by anyone other than its true owner. As a result, Frodo and/or Sam suffered additional mental and physical trauma.
WHEREFORE, FRODO BAGGINS and SAMWISE GAMGEE demand judgment against Sauron (or his Estate) for damages and costs, and demand a trial by jury in their county of residence, Hobbiton.
THIRD-PARTY COMPLAINT:
COME NOW the Defendants/Third-Party Plaintiffs, FRODO BAGGINS (hereinafter "Frodo") and SAMWISE GAMGEE (hereinafter "Sam") and sue the Third-Party Defendants, SMEAGOL a/k/a GOLLUM, BILBO BAGGINS, and ARAGORN a/k/a STRIDER as personal representative of the ESTATE OF ISILDUR, and state:
1. The chattel refered to herein was stolen from Sauron by Isildur. This stolen chattel was later possessed by Smeagol/Gollum and Bilbo Baggins.
2. Isildur (and his heirs), Smeagol/Gollum, and Bilbo Baggins were all aware that the Ring was stolen.
3. The Third-Party Defendants, either collectively, individually or in some combination, are responsible for all damages suffered by Sauron, and therefore are liable to Frodo and Sam for indemnification.
4. Further, Smeagol/Gollum assaulted and battered Frodo, causing him personal injury, to wit, the loss of a finger.
WHEREFORE FRODO BAGGINS and SAMWISE GAMGEE demand judgment against the Third-Party Defendants for indemnification, and FRODO BAGGINS demands further judgment against SMEAGOL/GOLLUM for damages caused by the intentional tort herein described.
(As Frodo was not married at the time of Smeagol/Gollum's battery, no claim for loss of consortium can be brought arising out of the loss of the finger, and besides, this is a family publication.)
Respectfully submitted, CELEBORN, GALADRIEL & ELROND Attorneys and Gladiators at Law