Home | Literature Index | Movies & Broadway Index | Television Index | Music Index | Miscellaneous Index | Submit Your Own
WITHOUT PREJUDICE
Re: Sauron ats Baggins
Dear Mr. Crebain:
We apologize for the delay in our response to your letter
of January 9th, last, as we were involved with conferences,
meetings and telephone discussions in connection with
certain individuals relating to this matter.
Please be advised that we are now in possession of sworn
affidavits to the effect of the following:
1. An Affidavit of Mr. Gollum which states, under oath,
that Mr. Gollum claims sole and original ownership of
the said property, prior to his release of same to Mr.
Bilbo Baggins. Mr. Gollum indicates in his affidavit
that the said property was precious to him and that
he lost same to Mr. Baggins as a result of a venture
which appears to be entirely legal and binding upon
the parties. Obviously, any claim that your client may
have to the said property will likely be held up by
any prior claim to ownership by Mr. Gollum.
2. An affidavit of Mr. Bilbo Baggins in which he states,
under oath, that he found the ring while on vacation
and, after attempting to return same to the individual
who claimed ownership, he resultantly earned same by
means of said legal and binding venture between himself
and Mr. Gollum.
In consideration of the foregoing, we reiterate that,
again, it is abundantly clear that the case law of Bridge
v Hawksworth and Parker v British Airways would be entirely
applicable herein, inasmuch that the said property was
found by Mr. Baggins, returned to whom he believed to
be its rightful owner, and then earned by means of a
legal and binding venture between the parties.
Be advised further that we are scheduled to conduct
interviews with Mr. Gandalf the Wizard and Mr. Elrond
the Elf, in connection with their knowledge pertaining
to the “robbery” incident which your client intends
to claim. Preliminary discussions with both Messrs.
Gandalf and Elrond indicate that your client was solely
responsible for precipitating the situation during which
the property in question was removed from his person
by Prince Isuldur, following the formal declaration
of war by Elven-king Gil-galad and Elendil, High King
of Gondor. We are informed that, during the incident
in question, your client visited upon those present
with such deadly and unconscionable violence, that the
parties involved were forced to defend themselves in
a manner which any competent Court would determine “self-defensive”
in nature. Your client’s unrepentant murder of the innocent
parties involved would clearly indicate that he did
not, in fact, attend peacefully upon the situation in
any manner whatsoever.
In addition to our earlier opinion that your client’s
claims are invalid based upon statutes limiting the
duration of your client’s claims to between a minimum
of two years and a maximum of fifteen years, the evidence
amassed by our firm, to date, clearly indicates that,
should this matter become litigious, we are entirely
confident that, not only will our client retain ownership
of the said property, but that the said Court will levy
extreme punitive damages upon your client for wrongful
and malicious pursuit by such litigation.
Furthermore, we have been advised by our client that
certain representatives of your client, and perhaps
your firm, have personally attended upon our client’s
residence in an effort to obtain the said property by
force. We hereby advise you that such action is entirely
improper and will be likely be looked upon unfavourably
by the Court, should this matter proceed to litigation.
We have advised our client that, should your client,
his agents or representatives continue to pursue him
personally, we will ask the Court to levy further punitive
damages upon your client for the obvious psychological
“pain and suffering”caused by your client’s pursuit
of this action.
We strongly urge you to advise your client to cease
and desist from pursuing this obviously fallacious claim,
and remain,
Yours faithfully,
Dewey Cheatem & Howe
Barristers and Solicitors
per:
I.M. Cheatem, Q.C.
c.c. Mr. J. Cochrane