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Mr. Cheatem,
After consulting with my client, I am now given to understand
that the aforementioned robbery was perpetrated by the
leader of a large contingent of trespassers and, in
fact, took place on his at his very doorstep. I was
previously unaware of this tortious conduct because
my client, after a lengthy period of reflection and
consultation with his spiritual advisors, had decided
to forgive the malefactors and, so, chose not to prosecute
his rightful claims in tort against them.
However, since you now appear determined to force my
client to revisit these awful and emotionally distressing
events, we have no choice but to address them. It is
my client's contention that at the time that this gang
of hoodlums trespassed upon his property, assaulted
not only himself but his entire household,\ and robbed
him, he was peacefully attending to the education of
the underprivileged races he had magnanimously taken
into his care. He found it necessary to shelter these
poor beings due to the inveterate and unconscionable
racial discrimination they suffered at the hands of
men and elves outside the boundaries of the Principality
which he is honoured to administer.
At no time didmy client, by any action or inaction,
cause said trespass or in way provoke the aforesaid
aggression on the part of Isuldur and his gang. As such,
we stand firm in our conviction that his possession
of the item of personal property in question - and that
of any subsequent takers - was in fact unlawful.
We are confident that, should it become necessary to
litigate this matter, we will have no difficulty persuading
a jury of fair-minded citizens that any witnesses you
may bring to impeach my client's character can and will
be shown to be motivated primarily by the very racial
animus against which he has fought for so long. Ample
evidence exists, after all, that your client, his uncle,
and the majority of their intimate associates are in
fact brigands whose fell deeds, including but not limited
to multiple homicides of members of "undesireable races",
are as notorious as they are odious.
The credibility of any such witnesses will therefore
be so low that we are doubtful that the jury will give
much wieght to any testimony they may offer as to ancillary
matters. Insofar as you have no means - apart from the
dubious testimony of such ruffians and murderers - by
which to prove your assertions as to the manner in which
Mr. Baggins came into possession of my client's property,
we are entriely confident that the court will render
a judgment in our favour. However, as I have repeatedly
said, it is our sincere hope that no such unpleasantness
will be necessary. Despite his advanced age and medical
infirmity, my client has bent over backward to be reasonable,
even offering to pay any expenses associated with the
return of his property. I expect your prompt and affirmative
reply by return mail.
Sincerely,
Grima Crebain,
Attorney at Law
cc: Johnny Cochran, Associate Counsel