Home Literature Index Movies & Broadway Index Television Index Music Index Miscellaneous Index Submit Your Own

Legalese

by zem

WITHOUT PREJUDICE


Re: Sauron ats Baggins

Dear Grima Crebain:

Thank you for your letter of reply dated January 8th, last.

While we understand that the property in question may be of great sentimental value to Mr. Sauron, your client is, in fact, responsible for the burden of proof that Mr. Sauron does, indeed, retain the claim of current ownership of the property in question. We both know, of course, that such issue will not only be difficult to prove, particularly when one considers the length of time involved in which said property was in the possession of our client and members of his family, but that certain mitigating circumstances which have become known to us, will effectively cloud the issue of ownership to the point that any efforts on your part to prove said claim will be fruitless.

According to information provided to us by our client and certain witnesses, Isuldur, the King's son, cut the Ring from Sauron's finger during an openly declared Act of War and, as such, the Spoils of War Rule will apply, and effectively render your client's claim of the alleged theft of such property from your client's possession, null and void.

We are further informed that, after a time, Isildur was also slain and the Ring fell into a river where it was lost for many years. It is our understanding that the ring came upon the possession of of the creature Gollum, who bore it for five hundred years. He lost it, and a travelling hobbit called Bilbo Baggins, our client's uncle found same while on vacation.

I remind you that, the Statute of Limitation, with respect to all matters generally are quite clear, as set out in the Limitations Act, namely:

- a basic limitation period of 2 years which would start from the day the person finds out, or should have found out, about the injury, loss or damage he or she suffered and who caused it; and

- an ultimate limitation period of 15 years after which a claim may be barred, regardless of the plaintiff's state of knowledge. The period runs from the day the act or omission on which the claim is based takes place.

Given the fact that your client has not had possession of the said property for well over 500 years, it would seem prudent that not only would the Statute of Limitations obviously apply hereto, it would therefore be all that is necessary to declare your client's claim of ownership null and void under the Law. Given the limitations of all actions to a maximum of only 15 years, regardless of such claims, your claim that your client's right to claim not be tolled until he became aware of the identity of the party in possession is likewise null and void. We are entirely confident that no competent Court would remove said property from my client's possession and ae prepared to commence necessary legal action in order to protect our client's claims.

Moreover, if your client persists to proceed to a legal action before the Court in this matter, we are prepared to bring forth a number of reliable and expert witnesses who, under discovery, will show that your client is clearly determined to use such property for illegal and unethical means. In consideration of such obviously odious use of the property in question, that your client would undertake if he had possession of same, it is clear to us that the Court will decidedly rule in our favour.

Furthermore, we wish to inform you that, in any Statement of Defence issued by our office, in addition to asking the Court for costs on a solicitor-client basis, we will also ask the Court to grant that extensive punitive damages be levied against your client for bringing such wrongful and malicious action against our client, for attempting to obtain said property for the sole purpose of conducting malevolent acts against others.

We recommend that you kindly govern yourself accordingly and remain,

Yours faithfully,

Dewey Cheatem & Howe
Barristers and Solicitors

per:


I.M. Cheatem, Q.C.