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TO: Mr. Frodo Baggins (a/k/a.
"Mr. Underhill")
Bag
End
Hobbiton,
Shire
Middle
Earth
FROM: Grima Crebain, Esq.
Melkor,
Morgoth, & Curunir, P.L.C.
Amon
Amarth, Mordor
Middle
Earth
Mr. Baggins,
I am writing to you on behalf of my client, Sauron,
Chief Administrator of the Principality of Mordor. Our
client has reason to believe that you have wrongly converted
his personal property, one gold ring, and possibly may
even plan to destroy said ring. Though my client insists
that the monetary value of the ring in question is <i>de
minimus</i>, it is nonetheless of considerable sentimental
value to him, insofar as it is one of only a handful
manufactured by himself and he considers it to be his
best work.
Under the common law of trespass to chattels, my client
has a number of legal remedies available to him, including
filing a suit for replevin in any Court of Common Pleas
seeking the return of personal property wrongfully converted
by you and seeking declaratory relief in the form of
an injunction forbidding you to take any action which
would result in harm to, or destruction of, mhis property.
If necessary, my client will zealously pursue any and
all such legal remedies.
However, my client is intensely jealous of his privacy
and, regrettably, is also incorporeal at present. He
would therefore prefer to settle this matter without
the necessity of either party making an appearance in
court. As such, he has instructed me to offer to pay
any reasonable expenses you might incur in returning
his property to him and to indicate that he will happily
sign a release of liability absolving you of any future
damages in any way related to this dispute.
It is our sincere desire to bring this matter to a prompt
and amicable conclusion. Please contact me at the address
above within 30 days of receiving this message. If I
have not heard from you in that time, we will have no
choice but to resort to litigation. Thank you for your
time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Grima Crebain,
Attorney at Law