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If you can add an extra room to your home using just a shovel, you might be a hobbit.
If you’ve never left the Shire,
If you eat nine meals a day,
If even the dwarves look down on you, you might be a hobbit.
If you’ve ever used hair gel on your feet, you might be a hobbit.
If when you hug Gandalf, you are eye-level with his “staff,”
If you’re living proof that smoking stunts your growth,
If the orcs down the road keep wanting to have you over for dinner, you might be a hobbit.
If people think you and your buddy, Sam, have homoerotic tendencies,
If whenever you get drunk you think the trees are walking and talking to you,
If the all-you-can-eat buffet gives you your money back and begs you to leave, you might be a hobbit.
If you’ve ever been mistaken for a lawn gnome, you might be a hobbit.
If you don’t consider it an insult when someone says “Your sister has hairy feet!”
If your great-grandma looks kinda like Gollum, you might be a hobbit.
If to you a ferry is for crossing rivers and a faggot is a bundle of wood, you might be a hobbit.
If Ringwraiths are always hounding you,
If you’ve ever used the term “eleventy”,
If your best pickup line is “I may be short, but look at the size of my feet!”
If your pet name for your penis is ”Sting,” then you just might be a hobbit.