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As the travelers left the forest, they saw a lone figure crossing the empty distances toward them. "It's a man," Legolas said. "He's wearing an odd tunic, buttoned down the front yet it has no collar. And he carries a book bound in hides." Gandalf scowled and knitted his brows.
The lonely walker approached closer, and Boromir hailed him. "Hoy! State thy name and business, oddly dressed one!"
"I am called Jack," the strange man said. "Have you been saved?"
"Saved? Saved from what?" Aragorn asked.
"Why from the flames of hell, of course," with that Jack walked closer, reached into the pockets of his garb and removed a handful of folded parchments. "Do you know God?"
Merry shook his head. "I don't like this one. He reminds me of that Grima Wormtongue."
"True enough. He's got that cheesy moustache. It's creepy," Sam shuddered.
Boromir and Aragorn had moved toward Jack and he addressed them closely, as if he didn't want the rest of the party to hear. "You can only be saved through Jesus. But first you must cleanse yourself from this non-human demon spawn. Dwarves. Elves. Hobbits. They're abominations and creations of Satan. To say nothing of that wizard practicing the dark arts!"
The two doughty warriors eyed each other quizzically. "God? Jesus? Satan? Who are these people. What is this madness of which you speak?" Boromir demanded. Gimli and Legolas, who were noticeably offended by the strange man's tactless comments about their kindred's, slid noiseless behind the disturbingly sincere man.
Jack closed his eyes for a few seconds, as if to gather his reserves of reverence. "Why God created the world and everything in it and rules supreme over it. Jesus is his only son and Satan is God's greatest adversary. You may only receive God's grace by accepting his son Jesus."
The two men, to say nothing of the hobbits, were baffled by the strange man's odd words. Gandalf reached for his wand. "Cease speaking such blasphemous nonsense!" he demanded, "Iluvatar is the creator and master of all the world, its hosts and the beasts which crawl, fly and swim!"
"No. Iluvatar does not exist," Jack said. "My God is the only true God."
Gimli and Legolas, who had been barely able to contain their rage at the wanderer's hateful speech, were pushed beyond the limits of their endurance by this final outrage. Gimli's axe flashed and Legolas's bow thrummed in the same instant. In the merest moment the strange man's head was rolling across the ground and his heart was pierced by an ashen shaft.
"HAW HAW HAW!!!" roared Gimli.
"Must have been some kind of left over orc or something," Pippin grumbled. Frodo just nodded sadly.
But unfortunately, because Jesus would not be born until thousands of years had passed in the newly designated fourth age, the entire fellowship was not, and could not have been, saved.
So God cast the entire Fellowship into the lake of fire to suffer eternal torment for all eternity.
With all the Catholics. And Mormons. And Muslims. And everybody else who doesn't agree with Jack Chick.
God Loves You.
THE END
CHICK TRACTS WORK! Send Jack some money and he'll send you some tracts.
Your pal,
Jack