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From the Annals of Oddur Iskarimil, Book-Keeper of Larúel and Historian of Lands West, an excerpt from Eddie Izzard's legendary final routine, Alkarin:
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"One thing that always amazes me is hobbits. Hobbits."
[Exaggerates facial movements slightly as he says last word. Stands staring for a few seconds with piquant expression on face. Crowd titters nervously.]
"Hobbits, of course, are a great and wonderful thing, rah rah rah, responsible for bringing us much joy and laughter, dah dah diddly dum. [Walks around, rolls eyes slightly and shakes hand dismissively while talking. Smattering of laughter.] I can just see God up there on Design Day, deciding what to make hobbits like: [imitates God] "Right! Make me a creature with a [counts off dramatically, almost drunkenly, with fingers] taste for good food, an intense love for the homestead, a pleasant disposition, and, ooh, uumm... [stares at sky squinting for a few moments, then looks behind him as if someone just spoke to him] What's that? Too much? Well all right, we'll make them... pfft, tell you what. We'll make them tiny as bloody hell, like this big [places hand at approx. four foot level]. Still too good? Well... oh, all right, just give them, uh... [acts annoyed and befuddled, as if he wants to just get this out of the way. Waves left arm slightly as he says] bloody... hairy feet or something, I don't bloody know. Oh sod this, I'm off to lunch." [Mimes sound of door slamming.]
[Stands still while crowd laughs for a few seconds.]
"Or he had this surplus of rough material, you know, a bunch of curly hair just lying around, cluttering up the place, and just didn't know where to stick it, so to sort of cover things up he put it in the place where it'd be least visible, you know? Yeah, makes sense. But little did he know [speaking now with great emphasis and clear, dramatic enunciation] that that hair was [raises voice], in fact, supposed to go somewhere. This is why you'll only find one place on a dwarf's body that isn't covered with hair. I mean, what did you think all that armor was supposed to cover? [Crowd erupts laughing, excepting group of dwarves that quietly detach themselves from audience and head towards armory down road.]
[Izzard goes off on slight tangent about hair and nether regions, segues into a long diatribe about Elvish, recites passages from "There and Back Again" loudly and theatrically in Elvish to uproarious effect, then deftly weaves his way back to the topic of hobbits.]
"And you know, visiting a hobbit, that's [points index finger, moves hand rhytmically up and down in hacking fashion], that's never easy. I was doing a show in the Shire last year, and the thing that struck me about the place is that there's not a single person there that didn't feel it was their mission in life to be victorious over their neighbors in the [stares straight forward, speaks in slightly sarcastic monotone] Race To Stuff Eddie Izzard So Full of Pastries They Shall Come Out His Orifices, Oh Yes They Will. [Ends sentence on down note, nods head downwards as he says last word. Crowd laughs, excepting group of hobbit housewives who surreptitiously sharpen kitchen knives.]
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There ends the excerpt. Of course, though the show ended in tragedy, it can
do naught but add to the legacy that was Izzard Mirth-Maker's. Long may he live
in our memories.