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Loyd Schumner, Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries
It will be small consolation to learn that the incident with the Balrog was
just the result of a big misunderstanding.
Taurus
It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Most mortal men would have tried to take the
ring from Frodo and thus doom all of humanity.
Gemini
Your future involves a trip to the Grey Havens, a fight to free your homeland,
and an erotic encounter with a giant female spider, but not necessarily in that
order.
Cancer
You’ve never been rescued by Ents after being captured by Uruk-Hai before, which
just goes to show that there’s a first time for everything.
Leo
Despite all your pleading, slithering, and hissing, your Precious is still not
interested in returning to you.
Virgo
You’ve always just assumed that your army of Orcs would have no trouble dealing
with a band of scrappy heroes. Well I guess we’re going to get that misconception
cleared up, aren’t we?
Libra
Your belief that men are a flawed and weak race will be tempered when you learn
of Aragorn’s selfless heroism. But only slightly.
Scorpio
If it makes you feel any better, countless evil overlords have made the mistake
of concentrating all their power in a small, easily-losable object.
Sagittarius
The Stars would like to politely suggest that it might be a prudent idea to
delay your trip through the Misty Mountains until at least next April.
Capricorn
You will take part in a hilarious incident involving an inn and song about dancing
tableware, although the humor of it may not be obvious at the time.
Aquarius
You’ll feel that being forced to face an army of ten-thousand Orcs is an unfair
burden. Well join the club, buddy.
Pisces
While your friends will be surprised to see you again, they’ll feel that the
transition from “grey” to “white” smacks of self-promotion.