What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as Dude Speak

The Dudeship of the Ring Part 7

by Waz Up

A Journey in the Dark

Boromir: Great, now we’re like, stuck in here, man.
Legolas: (muttering) Stupid dwarves and their stupid mines.
Gimli: I heard that.
Sam: Enough already. Dudes, can’t you both just get along?
Legolas: No.
Gandalf: Come on, bros. We’re gettin’ nowhere man.

(They start walking through the mines. The way is let by a way groovy light bulb on Gandalf’s staff, and a torch that Aragorn is carrying which came outta nowhere. The hobbits start singing.)

Hobbits: He’s a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land
Making ll his nowhere plans for nobody.
Boromir: That’s getting really depressing in here, little dudes.

(They stop singing. A few minutes pass, during which they just walk.)

Pippin: Oh, I got one! Ob-la-de, ob-la-da, life goes on, bro;
Hobbits: LA LA LA HOW THE LIFE GOES ON!
Aragorn: Shh! Shut your traps, little dudes, before you get us trapped. And then our lives most definitely won’t be going on, cuz we’ll all be dead, kay? Get it?
Hobbits: Got it.
Aragorn: Good.

(They walk some more. Merry reaches down and pumps up his Air Jordans.)

Gandalf: The dwarves were totally righteous miners. (shows them a mining shaft) They dug up all the mithril and used it to make those little chains that tie the pens down to the desks inside the banks. They’re like, impossible to break.
Pippin: Dude, that’s why we can never snatch the pens.
Merry: Bummer.
Gandalf: They managed to make some way narly mail shirts too. Thorin gave one to Bilbo. I never told the little dude, but that thing's gotta be worth, like, 10 Bill Gates, bro.
Frodo: NO WAY!
Gandalf: Way.

(They walk some more. And some more. And some more. Then, when they get done with that, they keep on walking. Finally, they reach a bunch of doorways.)

Boromir: Which way, wiz dude?
Gandalf: I’m totally clueless.

(They sit around and wait while Gandalf thinks. Boromir and Aragorn pull out a deck of cards and start playing Go Fish with Merry and Pippin. Frodo and Sam have a contest to see who can chuck a rock the farthest. Frodo lets one rip and it hits something with a thud. The something grunts in pain.)

Frodo: (running up to Gandalf) There’s something down there and I think I just knocked it senseless.
Gandalf: Then no harm was done, cuz the Incredibly Skinny Dude had no sense to begin with, anyways.
Frodo: Incredibly Skinny Dude? You mean….?
Gandalf: Yes – Gollum. He’s been on our tail since we got here.
Frodo: I should of thrown the rock harder then, man.
Gandalf: That’s harsh punishment, dude, even for Gollum. I mean, other than murdering his cousin, tormenting his friends and family with cruel jokes, and trying to eat your uncle, what’d he really do wrong, man?
Frodo: Yeah, I guess your right. Dude, this adventure blows.
Gandalf: Yeah, it sucks big time. But we must continue on.
Frodo: Why?
Gandalf: Uh, I forget. (He looks at the 3 doorways.) Aw, screw this. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe. Catch a goblin by it’s toe. If he hollers, stab him through. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe! We go that way.

(He points to the middle doorway. They all get up and walk – again – and come to the heart of the mines – Dwarrowdelf, Dwarf City.)

Sam: Dude, that’s a lot of columns.
Pippin: What?! No Starbucks! Some ‘city’ this is.
Merry: I was really craving a non-fat mocha latte, too.
Pippin: With cinnamon?
Merry: And nutmeg.
Pippin: Mmmmmmmm.

Balin’s Tomb

(They walk some more. Suddenly, Gimli screams like a little girl and goes running hysterically into a side room. They all follow him. Gimli’s crying over a tomb when they enter. Gandalf reads the inscription.)

Gandalf: ‘Here lies Balin, Totally Righteous Ruler of Moria, Dude of Fundin.’ So he is a goner, just as I feared.

(Gandalf sees a book and for no apparent reason decides to read it.)

Legolas: Dude, this like makes no sense. Why are we just standing around wasting time? We should be moving, bros.

(His question is answered a few seconds later. Obviously, this is just a scene to allow Pippin the opportunity to do something really stupid, like knock a frickin’ skeleton down a well and attract the attention of every single frickin' orc in Moria. Major fight sequence follows and Frodo gets skewered by a cave troll and totally milks his death scene.)

Troll: Mmmm, Hobbit-kabob.
Sam: Aw, dude, you are SOOOO DEAD!

(Another fight sequence, this one ending with the troll getting kabobbed through his mouth! Ouch. Everyone runs to Frodo, who’s been lying face down this whole time.)

Aragorn: Little dude? (rolls him over)
Frodo: (laughing) Sike!
Sam: He’s alive.
Frodo: I totally had you suckers fooled!
Gandalf: That’s sooooo not cool, little dude.
Aragorn: But, how’d you survive it bro? Like, you really are Super Hobbit.
Frodo: Super Hobbit with a mithril jacket. (opens shirt and shows everyone his mithril.)
Gimli: NO FAIR! If anyone of us dudes has a mithril shirt, it should so be me! Hand it over, half-pint.
Frodo: You wish.
Gimli: You wish I wished.
Boromir: Let’s not start that again.

(Suddenly, more orcs can be heard outside.)

Gandalf: Dudes, we gotta mosey! To the Bridge of Khazad-Dum!

The Bridge of Khazad-Dum, a Reprise

(They run out a side door and get surrounded by some really weird looking orcs. Luckily for them, the orcs get scared away. Unluckily for them, the orcs get scared away by something even scarier.)

Boromir: So, dude, like, what's this new devilry thing, bro?
Gandalf: A balrog.
Legolas: Bummer, man.
Gandalf: This enemy is beyond all you dudes. Run!

(They run down some stairs and decide to get stuck there to draw out the suspense and allow for some really awesome CGI work. They finally get down the stairs and run across the bridge. Gandalf stays behind to face Balrog.)

Gandalf: Dude, like, you can't pass man!
Balrog: ROAR!
Gandalf: Like, hello, I got the secret fire, man. What have you got dude? Nothing, man. You can't pass, so just deal, 'kay?
Balrog: ROAR!

(Balrog steps onto bridge. Bridge collapses and balrog falls.)

Pippin: You did it! The Incredibly Old Wiz Dude did it!
Merry: Awesome, bro!
Aragorn: That was totally righteous, Old Wiz Dude!
Frodo and Sam: Totally tubular!
Gandalf: I so rule, bro.

(Just then Balrog's whip comes up and pulls Gandalf down.)

Gandalf: You double-knotted my shoes, you fool! (he falls)
Boromir: Bogus!