What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as Dude Speak

The Dudeship of the Ring Finale

by Waz Up

Disc 1 Easter Egg

Instructions for finding Easter Egg:

Go to the Select A Scene screen. Use the right arrow to move to chapter titles in middle of the screen. Hold down “1” on the number pad while reciting the Battle of Sterling speech from Braveheart with the Scottish accent – you know, the “they may take our lives but they’ll never take our FREEDOM!” speech. Your face does not need to be painted blue for this, although we highly recommend it. After all, if you’re not willing to look like a Smurf, how can you call yourself a true LOTR fan?

Next, highlight Chapter 13: Bucklebury Ferry. Rub your tummy and pat your head simultaneously for one minute – DO NOT skip this step, or any further attempts to locat this egg will be futile as the timing will be all wrong.

When Bucklebury Ferry scene begins to replay in little bubble on top of screen, push down both the left and right arrows at the exact same time at the exact same moment Frodo leaps onto the ferry. It has to be EXACTLY that moment when he starts to jump, feet still on the ground, but knees bent ever so slightly in preparedness for the leap, or it won’t work. The fact that this particular shot is not actually shown should not hinder you.

Hop backwards 1,387 times, jumping round in 360-degree turn on last jump. Do NOT release the arrow keys while doing this, or you’ll have to start all over again.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are attempting this on your computer, you will be required to purchase a wireless keyboard to avoid possible injury from tripping over any cords. I repeat DO NOT attempt this with a keyboard that plugs into your computer. New Line will not be held responsible for any injury you sustain while attempting to find this egg, and neither will the author of this fic.

Now, hit the down arrow. A figure of a little dancing man will start floating around the screen. Chase it down and click on it. You will need to do this four times in a row...

Geez, what you people won’t do for an Easter Egg.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Lost Tom Bombadil Sequence

Intro by Peter Jackson: Hello, congratulations, you have found a hidden treat. Now, rumor has it that we didn’t film a Tom Bombadil sequence. This is not true. We did. But it went horribly wrong, and New Line demanded that we cut the sequence and never mention it ever EVER again, as the actors are still in therapy. So, um, don’t tell anyone you found this, kay? (Hey, why do you think we made it so difficult to find in the first place?)

Fade to black, then sequence starts:

(The hobbits leave Bucklebury Ferry and head for the Old Forest. They wonder around a lot and get totally lost. But, being Hobbit-dudes, they refuse to stop and ask for directions. They finally find a path and follow it to a river, where there’s this big narly-looking tree. Suddenly, they all become really tired. Gee, that couldn’t possibly mean anything.)

Pippin: Dude, I’m so sleepy. I think I’m gonna crash a little, bros.

Merry: Yeah, man, me too. (yawns) Must sleep. Take snooze by nice tree.

Pippin: I’m there, coz.

Old Man Willow: (rubs branches in anticipation)

Frodo: You dudes are (yawns big) wacked. How can you be tired? (yawns and rubs eyes) I am thirsty though. Oooh, river!

(They all drift off to sleep, except Sam for some odd reason. He walks off looking for the, um, well, they don’t have any ponies with them do they? Hm... ... Well, I have no freakin’ clue what he’s looking for, but he goes off looking for it and conveniently escapes being eaten by the tree. He comes back and finds Frodo drowning himself in the river.)

Sam: Mr. Frodo! (runs over and pulls Frodo out of river) Dude, are you mental?

Frodo: That stupid tree knocked me in the river!

Sam: Dude, so rude.

Frodo: Tell me about it. And where the hell are Merry and Pippin?

(They look around and find Merry’s legs sticking out of the tree. They can hear Pippin snoring away inside the tree trunk.)

Sam and Frodo: Oh crap!

Frodo: Like, get em out of there, man!

Sam: How?

Frodo: I don’t know.

Sam: Oh, but I’m supposed to know. I’m supposed to know everything. I have to think of everything, I have to do everything, I have to carry everything...

Frodo: Dude, this isn’t helping. And yeah, you should know. You’re the gardener!

Sam: What?! Dude! That like, makes no sense. Gardens don’t have freaky, hobbit-munchin’ trees in ‘em – hello!

Frodo: You’re right. I’m sorry, bro. It’s just, you know, with the sleepiness, and the drowning, and the legs – I freaked, man. I didn’t mean to snap at ya.

Sam: I shouldn’t have wigged either, bro. Forgive me?

Frodo: Course, bro. You’re my bestest best bud EVER. We good?

Sam: Totally.

(Non-slashy mushy moment ruined when Frodo suddenly hears something.)

Frodo: Dude, listen.

Sam: (hopeful) More elves?

Frodo: (looking worried) That’s definitely not elves, bro.

(They walk up the path a ways to sneak a peak. Some dude is singing horribly off-key, and he is coming down the path towards them. He rounds a corner in the path and is now clearly visible. He’s bouncing up and down like a freakazoid, and is wearing a horribly coordinated ensemble that would make a blind man cringe. Cue eerie, screechy, scary-movie music.)

Tom Bombadil: (singing to the tune of “Turkey in the Straw”)
O ole Zip Coon he is a larned skoler,
Sings posum up a gum tree an conny in a holler.
Posum up a gum tree, coonny on a stump,
Den over dubble trubble, Zip coon will jump.

O Zip a duden duden duden zip a duden day.
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Sam: (starting to wig) Mr. Frodo? Is that who I think it is?

Frodo: (wigging majorly) No! Please no! Not Middle Earth Barney!

(Suddenly, Tom sees them and claps his hands.)

Tom: Oh boy! Visitors!

Sam: Dude, we’ve been spotted! Now what?!

Frodo: Nonononononononono...

Sam: That’s not helpin’, bro.

Tom: It’s time to sing our Visitor Song! (laughs manically)
They’ll be coming round the river bend when they come,
They’ll be coming round the river bend when they come...

Frodo: (wigging completely) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Sam: MR. FRODO!!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!

(They turn around and run back to Old Man Willow, who is also completely wigged by the presence of Bombadil and has let Merry and Pippin go in a vain attempt to uproot itself and run for dear life. Where’s an Ent when you need one?)

Pippin: Dude, now that was just weird. Did that tree just hurl us up?

Merry: That was like the wackiest dream ever. And why do I have leaves all in my hair? Weird bro.

(Just then, Sam and Frodo show up. They don’t even slow down, just zoom right by.)

Frodo: RUN YOU MORONS!

Sam: PRONTO!

(Merry and Pippin stare after them, totally clueless)

Merry: Dude, like, what’s their prob?

Pippin: Dude, I’ve just been violated by a tree.

Merry: Focus, Pip, for once will ya?

(Just then, they too finally hear Bombadil as he begins to come over the hill. He seems to have already forgotten about his earlier hobbit-sighting.)

Tom : (singing)
O ist old Suky blue skin, she is in lub wid me
I went the udder arter noon to take a dish ob tea;
What do you tink now, Suky hab for supper,
Why chicken foot an posum heel, widout any butter.

O Zip a duden duden duden zip a duden day.
O Zip a duden duden duden duden duden day.
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Pippin: Mommy!

Merry: No, it can’t be, it’s impossible!

Tom: (now seeing the hobbits) Oh, boy, visitors! Let’s sing the Visitor Song! (laughs even MORE manically than before)
They’ll be coming round the river bend when they come,
They’ll be coming round the river bend when they come...

Merry and Pippin: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(They get up and run after Frodo and Sam, who are already half way out of the woods. They reach the clearing and realize they’ve beaten Middle Earth Barney back to his pad where they see...)

Goldberry:
I love you, you love me
We’re as spastic as can be...

Hobbits: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Sam: Will it never end?!

Frodo: Why God? WHY!

(They all fall down in the fetal position and suck their thumbs.)

Frodo: Mommy said ballet would give me grace. I didn’t want to be a ballerina. Middle Earth Barney would eat me brain, she said. But I didn’t believe her. I’m sorry. Oh, God, I’m soooooooo sorry! (continues babbling incoherently)

PJ (off camera): Cut! CUT! Oh no, what have I done! Aw, man, how am I gonna explain this to New Line?

(End scene. Fade to black. PJ comes back on screen.)

PJ: So, that’s the Bombadil scene. Now maybe you all can stop complaining about him not being in the movie already. As you can see, it was for your own good. And again, please don’t mention this to any of the actors. If they go catatonic again, I’ll never hear the end of it.