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DUDE OF THE RINGS: THE DUDE-SHIP OF THE RING
I amar prestar aen The world has changed, man.
Han mathon ne nen I can feel it in the water
Han mathon ne chae I can so feel it in the earth,
A han noston ned 'wilith I can, like, smell it in the
air… Dude, what is that smell? Like someone’s narly
gym socks. Gross, dude.
So anyways, where was I? Oh yeah,
Much that once was has been, like, lost bro, for there’s
like no dudes left who can remember it, cuz they were
like wasted, you know?
So, it, like, started with some rings, kay? 3 went to
the elf-dudes, cuz they were all, like, immortal and
fair and stuff. 7 went to the dwarf-dudes, cuz they
were real good at cutting up stones. 9 went to men,
cuz they were greedy and wanted more than everyone else.
Oh, and the rings were, like, magical, bro, and they
could totally rule everyone. Pretty cool, huh?
But they all got dissed big time, cuz there was this
other ring that no one knew about. The Dark Dude Sauron
made in the heart of Mt. Doom in Mordor, kay? And he
was, like, all pissed off about something when he made
it, so it was like super evil.
One Ring to rule all dudes.
So, like, everyone got enslaved, but this big group
of men and elf-dudes decided that they, like, weren’t
gonna take it no more and they fought back, bro.
(Majorly bloody battle sequence)
So anyways, the Dark Due killed the king. Isildur, that
would be the king’s son, was all “you bastard!” and
chopped off the Dark Dude’s fingers.
(Audience member: No way!)
Way! And the Dark Dude like, exploded, which was good.
But Isildur kept the Ring, which was bad. And then the
Ring, like, betrayed him and he got killed, which was
kind of a bummer, and the Ring got all lost and junk.
History became legend.
Legend became myth.
And a ridiculously long amount of time passed with the
Ring lying at the bottom of some river. But then, like,
this Incredibly Skinny Dude with a bad comb-over found
it and hid with it the tunnels of the Misty Mountains,
which I’m betting would be totally awesome for skateboarding,
bro. But anyway, the Incredibly Skinny Dude was all
“my precious, it came to me, my own” for like 500
years, man. So finally, the Ring was all “forget this
wacko” and it ditched him, bro. Cuz there was some major
evil brewing and the Ring could, like, sense it, you
know. But then, like, this little Hobbit Dude, Bilbo
Baggins out of the Shire-hood, found it instead and
he kept it.
And now, the time is coming when a bunch of littl Hobbit
dudes will change the fortunes all other dudes.
Cool.
The Bridge of Kahzad-Dude
Boromir: So, dude, like, what's this new devilry thing,
bro?
Gandalf: A balrog.
Legolas: Bummer, man.
Gandalf: This enemy is beyond all you dudes. Run!
(Run down stairs, across brigde. Gandalf stays behind
to face Balrog.)
Gandalf: Dude, like, you can't pass man!
Balrog: ROAR!
Gandalf: Like, hello, I got the secret fire, man. What
have you got dude? Nothing, man. You can't pass, so
just deal, 'kay?
Balrog: ROAR!
(Balrog steps onto bridge. Bridge collapses and balrog
falls.)
Pippin: You did it! The Incredibly Old Wiz-Dude did
it!
Merry: Awesome, bro!
Aragorn: That was totally narly, Old Wiz-Dude!
Frodo and Sam: Totally tubular!
Gandalf: I so rule, bro.
(Just then Balrog's whip comes up and pulls Gandalf
down.)
Gandalf: Like, fly dudes!
Boromir: Bogus!