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Dr. Phil: Welcome, all. Today, we'll be talking to a
sad case. A small boy, who insists he's grown, with
a frightening case of paranoid delusions that caused
him to run away from home with his mother's wedding
ring.
(audience gasps)
Dr. Phil: I know, I know! His name is Philip, but he
insists on being called 'Frodo". We'll humor him for
the moment, because I understand he's become violent
a time or two. Let's bring him out...Frodo?
(Frodo comes out...audience applauds)
Dr. Phil: Welcome, Frodo.
Frodo: Thank you, Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil: Now, Frodo, you know why you're here, don't
you?
Frodo: Well, Dr. Phil, my friend Gandalf thought that
it might be a good idea for me to come and talk through
my experiences with you, because I've been a bit depressed
lately, since returning from Mordor missing a finger....
Dr. Phil: What'd you do to your finger, son?
Frodo: I didn't do anything to it! Gollum bit it off!
And after I'd been so nice to him, too!
Dr. Phil: Son, I think we all know there is no "Gollum"
Frodo: Huh?
Dr. Phil: And this "Gandalf" person that you mentioned...that's
really your father, isn't it, Frodo?
Frodo: No! Gandalf's not even a Hobbit!
Dr. Phil: A what?
Frodo: A Hobbit...that's what I am...Gandalf's a Wizard,
so obviously, he can't be my father!
Dr. Phil: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, Son....
Now, then....let's talk about Sam.
Frodo: Sam? My gardener? He isn't why I'm depressed!
In fact, he cheers me up!
Dr. Phil: Isn't Sam actually your brother, Frodo?
Frodo: My brother? No...if anything, he's my cousin,
but that's way way back on my great-grandmother Took's
side...
Dr. Phil: And didn't you attack Sam, Frodo?
Frodo: Well...yes...but it was The Ring! It wasn't me!
Dr. Phil: The ring attacked Sam?
Frodo: Well, no..yes..well..
Dr. Phil: Frodo, I think what we have here is a classic
case of sibling rivalry...and you're just gonna have
to face facts, Son. Let's bring Sam and Gandalf out,
now.
(Sam and Gandalf enter, audience applauds)
Dr. Phil: Welcome, welcome....Sam...it must have been
very painful for you when Frodo attacked you. Tell us
about it.
Sam: Well, Sair, I was just trying to make sure that
he didn't step off that ledge, and next thing I knows,
I'm on the hard stone floor, with him on top of me,
wild-eyed, with a sword pointed at my throat!
(audience gasps)
Sam: I had to say "Mister Frodo!" a couple of times
before I think he even recognized me!
Dr. Phil: It's so sad when sibling jealousies erupt
into violence, isn't it, folks?
(audience makes noises of agreement)
Dr. Phil (to Gandalf): Sir, why don't you tell us why
we're all here today...it was your idea to come in,
wasn't it?
Gandalf: Yes it was, Dr. Phil. Ever since Frodo came
back to us, I've seen him pulling inside of himself,
deeper and deeper...he's just not the carefree loving
boy he once was...I blame myself.
Dr. Phil: Sure...it's hard to be a parent...But sometimes,
there's an underlying illness....You can't blame yourself.
Gandalf: (heavy sigh) you're right, Dr. Phil.
Frodo: Underlying illness?? It was just The Ring!
Dr. Phil: Yes, let's here some more about this ring...where
did you get the ring, Frodo?
Frodo: Gandalf gave it to me! It was my uncle's ring,
but when he went away to Rivendell....
Dr. Phil: Rivendell? Is that in New Jersey?
Frodo: No...Rivendell, where the elves live.
Dr. Phil (clearly humoring him): OH...where the *elves*
live...uh huh...go on...
Frodo: So when Uncle Bilbo went away to Rivendell, on
his eleventy-first birthday...
Dr. Phil: His which birthday?
Frodo: Eleventy-first.
Dr. Phil (humoring him still): uh huh...go on....
Frodo: after the party, then Gandalf came to me and
gave me The Ring and asked if I could read the writing
on it. At first I didn't see it, but then all of a sudden,
there it was. I could see it, but I couldn't read it.
Dr. Phil: Now isn't that sad? I always think it's so
sad to hear about someone who's illiterate in this day
and age. Frodo...I want you to tell Sam that you're
sorry you attacked him.
Frodo: I already did! But okay...Sam, I'm sorry I attacked
you.
Dr. Phil: now you boys hug...go on now...hug....don't
be afraid of it.
(Sam and Frodo hug tentatively...the audience oohs and
applauds).
Gandalf: So, Dr. Phil....what do you recommend?
Dr. Phil: Oh, medication, definitely.
Frodo: WHAT?
Dr. Phil: Thanks for coming, everybody. Tomorrow on
"Dr. Phil", we'll have the story of a love triangle,
between a woman who calls herself a "shield maiden",
another woman who says she's an immortal elf, and a
man who thinks he's a prince...but don't we all? Until
then, folks, have a great day! (theme music comes up
as two men in white coats come and drag a bewildered
Frodo away; Dr. Phil and Gandalf stand talking; and
Sam finds the caterer's table).