Home | Literature Index | Movies & Broadway Index | Television Index | Music Index | Miscellaneous Index | Submit Your Own
(First panel: Filbert is sitting in his office cubicle. It's tiny and narrow.
There's a Post-It note on the wall.)
FILBERT: I'm spending my life trapped in this tiny cubicle.
(Second panel:) I can't stand this anymore! I have got to get out of here!
(Third panel: Filbert is in his Hobbit hole. It's tiny and narrow. There's a
Post-It note on the wall.)
FILBERT: Ah, that's better.
----------
(At the office. Gandalf, the Pointy-Hatted Boss, rushes in urgently)
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Filbert, quick! Put on your ring.
FILBERT: Huh? What's wrong? (He dons the ring.)
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: I just needed to see what you looked like when you're invisible.
...
But now that you've disappeared, I can't tell.
FILBERT: Oh. So you can't see what I'm doing with my hand right now?
-------
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: (With camera.) Filbert, I need to take your photo while
you're invisible.
The security guards need photos of all our invisible employees so they can recognize
them when they come in.
FILBERT: (Exasperated) Don't you realize that each time I wear this ring, it
makes it easier for the Ringwraiths to track me down and slaughter me?
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Is that a problem?
(Enter Ringwraith, disguised as a FedEx guy.) RINGWRAITH: Package for Mister,
uh, Filbo?
---------
(The Ringwraith has cornered Filbert.)
FILBERT: Okay, so the Ringwraith caught me. I suppose you'll slaughter me now.
RINGWRAITH: I could. But I'm a consultant on this job. If I kill you, the job
is over and I have to find another.
(Filbert and Ringwraith are walking down the street.)
RINGWRAITH: Know any good places to eat here? I'm sick of Hobbit food.
----------
(Filbert and the Ringwraith are in a restaurant, smoking.)
FILBERT: This is some of the best pipe weed I've ever had.
RINGWRAITH: Take the rest of the pouch. I'm expensing it.
(Later, Ringwraith presents his expense report to Sauron.)
SAURON: I didn't know they had hot tubs in the Mines of Moria.
RINGWRAITH: Believe me, the lap dance from a dwarf is not as fun as it sounds.
(Filbert is at a conference-room table with Merry, who
drools, and Pippin, whose clothes are on backward.)
FILBERT: Welcome to the Committee of Rivendell.
We are meeting to select the steering committee.
The steering comittee will select the people who will
be on the membership committee that will decide who
will be on the blue-panel committee to decide what to
do with the ring.
Does anyone want to be the chair?
PIPPIN: Not me. I hate it when people sit on
me.
------
(The Committee of Rivendell. Filbert is giving a PowerPoint
presentation. He holds a pointer up to a picture of
Mt. Doom.)
FILBERT: Systems says I have to take the ring
to Mt. Doom and throwit in.
To do that, I'd have to cross countless miles of unknown
territory -- mountains, mires, forests, deserts. I'll
be attacked every step of the way by Orcs, goblins,
Nazgul, giant spiders and other beasts.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Mt. Doom should be depicted
in red.
--------
(The Committee of Rivendell)
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: There it is. We've decided
Filbert will take the Run Ring to Mt. Foom and crack
it open.
And before you go, please make an exact backup copy
and leave it with systems.
(Pointy-hatted Boss is walking away from several men
in white coats who are restraining Filbert.)
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Hmmph. Some people just can't
see the big picture.
-----------
FILBERT: I've found a much easier way to get
rid of the ring.
I'll put it in a place from which nothing has ever emerged.
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: And where is that?
FILBERT: Gimli's "In" asket.
------
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Why do you think we can safely
dispose of the ring in Gimli's "In" basket?
FILBERT: Projects that go in there are never
seen again.
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: (Examines Gimli's "In" basket.)
What is that ring around his "In" basket?
FILBERT: It's called an event horizon.