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Dear Abby:
Please help! I’m so turned-around I don’t know what to do with myself, and it’s all because of a squabble over a family heirloom.
My dear old uncle gave me a simple golden ring some years back, and I’ve treasured it for sentimental reasons. But now other people have shown up claiming that they own the ring! The worst is this nasty man (I’ll call him “Ron.”) who doesn’t even live around here. He’s from Mordor, wherever that is. He’s sent several collection agents to claim the ring, and I get the feeling they might even resort to violence! (Although, to be fair, they haven’t made any specific threats. They just sniff and hiss.) They got to be so annoying that just for some peace and quiet and went on a short vacation with a few friends.
Then, just as soon as I get to the B&B, I find out everybody in Eriador is gossiping about this ring - dwarves, elves, even this raggedy old man who goes around butting into other people’s affairs and claiming to be a wizard. Of all the nerve! They tell me another fellow wants the ring, too. Some grubby, little man with an Irish name. Collum, I believe it was.
And here’s the topper, Abby: All these supposed “friends” are telling me to just throw the ring away! That’s right. They say I should walk halfway across Middle Earth and throw the ring into some crack just to keep Ron and Collum from getting it. Sounds to me like cutting off my finger to spite my hand.
What should I do?
Signed,
Bewildered at Bag-End.
Dear Bewildered:
I say your nosy friends deserve 20 lashes with a wet balrog’s whip! Who are they to tell you what to do with your precious ring. But Ron does sound persistent. Just to settle matters, I suggest you trade the ring to him for a few barrels of pipe-weed and a reeking dwimmerlaik. What harm could it do?