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(Heavily ironic and rapid-fire delivery): So there are
these rings, see, a whole bunch of them, but they're
not important because they're all controlled by this
ONE Ring, see, and this ONE Ring, it BINDS them all.
And Sauron (he's the Dark Lord, see), he CREATED the
rings, see, and he's just USING the ONE Ring to control
the whole world. But then this dude, Isildur, see, he
gets it into his head, in the middle of a battle, no
less, that HE should have the ONE Ring, and he actually
cuts off Sauron's hand!!! And Sauron, he just blinks
out into nothingness!
(The innocent but also heavily ironic young girl to
whom John is relating all this then says "Okay, so then
what happens?")
So THEN, I forget how, but Isildur dies, right? and
the Ring gets lost or thrown away or whatever, it doesn't
matter, but it ends up at the bottom of this river,
and it just LIES there, for, like, hundreds, I dunno,
maybe THOUSANDS of years, okay? And then this guy, Smeagol?
He finds it, or maybe someone else finds it and Smeagol
kills him, but whatever, now Smeagol has it. But the
Ring corrupts Smeagol, 'cause it's really an instrumentality
of evil, right? So Smeagol develops this split personality
thing, and the other part of him makes this weird little
noise with his throat, like this "gollumgollum"...
(the innocent young thing giggles)
...and so he's called Gollum, and eventually even HE
forgets who he once was. So, a REALLY long time passes,
and this little guy, a creature called a Hobbit, named
Bilbo Baggins, he goes on this quest with a Wizard and
some Dwarves....
(the innocent young thing, wide-eyed, giggles again
(annoyingly), and says "Dwarves? Like in Snow White?")
...well, KINDA like in Snow White, but they were all
smart, and they were all heavily ARMED. So, they go
off on this quest, and in the middle of it, Bilbo, he
gets separated from the rest of them, I forget how,
and he ends up at this underground lake thing, and he
sees this thing on the ground, and he picks it up, and
it's this ring, so he puts it in his pocket. And he
gets all turned around and he's lost and he doesn't
think he's ever going to get out, and then he hears
a voice...
(the innocent young thing sort of bounces (again, annoyingly)
and says "ooh, a voice!" with a meaningful look in her
eyes)
...YES! a VOICE! which is Gollum, and he basically wants
to kill Bilbo, but they get into this riddle contest
instead, I forget how, and Bilbo runs out of riddles,
so he cheats and says instead "what do I have in my
pocket?"...
(the innocent young thing sort of pouts and says "but
that's not a riddle!")
... I KNOW, that's why it's cheating! So anyway, Gollum
can't guess, so he has to lead Bilbo out, 'cause that's
their deal. So Bilbo gets back with the rest of the
group, and he ends up taking the ring home. And he keeps
it in a box on his fireplace for years, and eventually
he's having this birthday party, and who shows up but
the Wizard, again, and the Wizard tells him that he
has to give up the ring and hie himself off to Rivendell,
which is, like, elf-land, whatever, so off he goes.
And then the Wizard gives the ring to Bilbo's nephew,
Frodo, and sends HIM off to Rivendell too.
So they get to Rivendell, and now all of a sudden there's
like this group of world leaders, all the major "good-guy"
players of fantasy land. You got Elves, and Dwarves,
and Men, and Hobbits, and Wizards. And they decide the
Ring should be destroyed, and the Wizard says the only
way to do it is to throw it into the volcano where it
came from, but it's dangerous because Sauron is watching...
(the innocent young thing looks confused and says "But
I thought you said Sauron died?")
...No, see, 'cause Sauron kinda can't die, he's the
Dark Lord, so when he blinked into nothingness, he didn't
really cease to BE, he just sorta went, I dunno, dormant....
(the innocent young thing pipes up with "Oh, like a
mosquito?")
...YES! EXACTLY like a mosquito! (loses his place for
a second, then) So anyway, they put together this Fellowship,
right? and Frodo is chosen to be the poor schmoe who
carries the Ring, because he's the only one who really
doesn't want it. So they go off and stuff happens, and
anyway, Frodo and this other hobbit, Sam, they end up
with Gollum at the volcano, and I forget how or why,
but there's this fight, and Gollum ends up biting off
Frodo's finger...
("ooh! gross!")
...and the finger and the ring and Gollum all fall into
the volcano, and that causes Sauron to REALLY blink
into nothingness.
(the innocent young thing looks REALLY confused.."but
I thought you said that Sauron *couldn't* die?!")
...Right. I did. That's why this story is so depressing.
It's really a story about how we ALL die eventually,
and don't believe that just because you're a Dark Lord,
that means you get to escape your ultimate fate forever.
No, you're doomed, just like the rest of us....
(the innocent young thing looks disgusted. "I don't
know why I let you tell me these stories.")