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Click: Welcome to today's "Ring Talk". Now, while
my brother gets his head out of Morgoth's underpants,
I'll talk to our first caller, whose name is Gandalf.
Hello, where are you calling from?
Caller: Middle Earth.
Clack: MIDDLE Earth? Is that out by the Berkshires?
Click: Yeah, when you look at the sky, can you
see UPPER Earth?
Caller: No, it's in the West. Look, I'm trying
to research a ring.
Click: Well, TELL us about it.
Clack: Yeah, when you get on Ring Talk, you're
supposed to talk about rings, not geography.
Caller: A nephew of a friend of mine inherited
a ring. It looks like it's Second Age, gold, smooth,
impervious to damage. Oh, and it makes you invisible
if you wear it.
Click: Wheeew! Second Age? I get it. Where did
he get the ring?
Clack: He _inherited_ it.
Click: We KNOW that, but is the Uncle still alive?
Caller: Oh yes! In fact, he's at least eleventy-one,
and he doesn't look a day over 50.
Clack: And how did the Uncle come by it?
Caller: Well, he says he won it in a poker game
or found it at the bottom of a tin of bootpolish, he
can't remember which.
Click: Right. Well, should we tell you what to
do?
Clack: No, dummy. Don't tell him. Just leave
him to dangle. He calls up, and asks for advice, and
you taunt him with "do you want to know"?
Click: (laughing) Well, I don't want to just
guess. Maybe he LIKES talking to us.
Clack: (laughing harder) Well, if he does, he's
got a lot to learn about making friends.
Click: (Laughter)
Clack: OK, OK, here's whatcha do. Go to your
friend's house...
Click: I hope you're writing this down.
Clack: Shut up, will you? Anyway, go to your
friend's house, build a big fire in the fireplace, and
chuck the ring into it when the fire gets good and hot.
Click: NO! You're nuts! It'll melt. Don't listen
to my brother! He's either drunk or an idiot. Actually,
I think he's both.
Clack: Leave the ring in there for awhile. If
the ring melts, then it's just something that some rube
passed off to your friend's uncle, or a priceless heirloom
from your friend's family that you've destroyed because
you have a suspicious mind.
Click: My money's on the rube. Ring in the fire!
It's Johnny Cash all over again.
Clack: But if the Ring DOESN'T melt, pull it
out of the fire, and when it cools down a little, look
at the outside of the Ring. You'll be able to read little
markings on the side.
Click: What will it say, "Made in Taiwan"? "Maximum
pressure: 38 PSI"?
Clack: No, it should have letters in The Black
Speech, saying something like "One Ring to rule them,
One Ring To Find Them, One Ring to bring them all and
in the Darkness, bind them."
Caller: REALLY? The Black Speech?
Click: Yes. And if you really want to be sure,
call Sauron at the Barad-Dur. He's got the owner's manual
and specifications. He'll want you to bring the Ring
in, but don't do it. Dark Lords charge an arm and a
leg, literally, for ring verification.
Caller: Thanks for the information. I had no
idea.
Clack: Thanks for your call! Good luck.