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Ray: Call 888 CAR TALK...that's 888-227-8255,
hello you're on Car Talk.
Frodo: Hi this is Frodo Baggins of the Shire.
Ray: No last names there Frodo.
Tom: Is that Frodo with a 'PH'?
Frodo: Nope...its with an 'F'.
Tom: Aaaaah..an 'F'! I knew a guy from Long Island
once who spelled it with a 'PH'. Where in Middle Earth
is the Shire?
Frodo: It's NorthEast of Bree by several miles.
Tom: Is that East of Rivendell or West?
Frodo: Several days West actually.
Tom: Aaaahhh West of Rivendell!!
Ray: So, Frodo, what's up?
Frodo: Well, I have this 3000 year old magic
ring that's been giving me some problems.
Ray: You think that ring gives you problems,
you should try driving my brother's '63 DodgDart!
Tom: Did you say Piston Ring?
Frodo: No. Magic ring. Made of gold. Slips onto
my finger.
Ray: And so, what, you need advice on how to
polish it? Tommy knows all about rings. His wife's led
him around by a nose ring for years now...
Frodo: Um..no. Its beyond that. You see this
ring is the host of incarnate evil. Forged by the dark
lord Sauron. Taken by Isildur. Lost, forgotten, then
found again. Gandalf the Grey says it can't stay in
the Shire.
Tom:...Twas blind but now I see... Oops...wait
a minute, that's a different story.
Ray: So you're saying this ring feeds all of
the evil power in the universe? Did a guy named Doug
Berman give it to you?
Frodo: No...it was left to me by my uncle Bilbo
who's gone off to stay with the elves...
Tom: Say..that's some uncle you got there. Sounds
like my brother back in 3rd grade when he slipped pickles
into my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Ray: Yeah! But you never noticed the anti-freeze
I slipped into your milk carton!
Tom: Is that what that was...?
Frodo: So, guys, I need some advice on what to
do with this ring? If I keep it my soul's core will
rot and, over time, bend me to Sauron's will. Not to
mention destroying the home that I love.
Ray: Hmmm..we save apocolyptic scenarios for
the 3rd half of the show.
Tom: Ya know...we see this kind of thing in the
shop from time to time.
Ray: Frodo..it boils down to this...You have
to ditch this ring.
Tom: Right. But you can't like pawn it for $30
bucks. You gotta take it some place special.
Ray: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but
my brother's right. You have to take the ring to Mount
Doom and cast it into the fire.
Frodo: Really...is that the only way? I can't
like bury it under a rock somewhere.
Ray: That's the cheap solution...it will hold
in the short term, but eventually, the ring will come
back to haunt you.
Tom: Yeah...better to take the hit up front,
do the right thing, and tote that puppy to Mount Doom
in Mordor.
Frodo: I don't really know the way to Mordor.
Tom: Well..see, you play this right and you get
some buddies to go along with you..see!
Ray: Right...you kinda sell it as a road trip.
You know..the guys together on vacation.
Tom: And..once you get far enough away from the
Shire...you happen to mention that you're carrying
something very dangerous and you need their help to
destroy it.
Ray: Oh..they'll love it. They'll practically
carry it for you!
Frodo: Well..ok. If you guys say so. That's what
I'll do then.
Tom: Good luck Frodo.
Ray: See ya, Frodo! Well, you've squandered another
perfectly good hour listening to car talk. Our executive
producer is Doug 'The Subway Fugitive, Not a Slave to
Fashion' Berman.....And DON"T DRIVE LIKE MY BROTHER!
Tom: Don't drive like MY brother!