What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as Calvin and Hobbes

Calvo and Hobwise

by dwmacg

1. C: Ras! What are you doing here?
R: Your mom and dad had to go out, so they called me.

2. R: And they told me about the ring.
C: Ring? What ring?

3. R: Don’t play games with me, shrimp. I know you’ve got it. And I’m gonna get it from you if I have to wring your scrawny neck.
[phone rings]

4. [Ras goes to get phone]
C: What’re we gonna do, Hobwise? We’re doomed!
H: Whaddya mean “we”?
---

1. R [offstage] Hello?
C: Hobwise, we’ve got to think of something before Ras kills us.

2. R: Erik, hi!
C: Urp! Not the dreaded Erik-hai! Hobwise, what are we going to do?
H: Why don’t we give her the ring?

3. [A look of dread creeps over Calvo’s face.]

4. C: You too, Hobwise?!?
---

1. C: Hobwise, we can’t give Ras the ring. She’ll just give it back to Soremom.
H: Well, we could try to reason with her.

2. C: Reason with her?!? How can you reason with a maniacal homicidal babysitter from hell?
H: She was a kid once. She’ll understand.

3. C: Ha! She’s been brainwashed in school like all the “good kids”.
H: How do they do that?

4. C: I dunno—something to do with the PA announcements. That’s why I never pay attention.
H: Can I have your comics collection when you’re gone?
---

1. C: Hobwise, I’ve got an idea!
H: Why is it whenever you get an idea I get a tummy ache?

2. C: Shut up and listen. [Whispers conspiratorially into Hobwise’s ear.]

3. R: I’m back, shrimp. Time to squeal.
C: OK, Ras, you win. I’ll tell you where it is.

4. R [grabbing Calvo by the shirt]: This had better not be one of your tricks.
C: Boy, for an evil babysitter you sure are paranoid.
---

1. R: All right, so where is it?
C: It’s in the garage, on Dad’s tool bench.

2. R: You’d better not be lying, or you’re dead.
C: I swear it’s there.

3. R: OK, you stay here. I’ll be right back.

4. [Ras heads towards open door. Calvo sneaks behind her]
C [thinking, with evil leer on face]: 5… 4… 3…
---

1. [Calvo slams door shut and locks it]
C: HA! Rot in hell, you evil sorceress!
R: Calvo! Open the door!!

2. C: Quick, Hobwise, let’s go!
R: Calvo, when your parents get home, you’re dead!

3. [Calvo and Hobwise running up stairs]
H: Where are we going?
C: To the Cracks of Doom!

4. [We see Callum sneaking up the stairs, naked as always, rubbing his hands together]
Callum: Now I’ve got you, my preciousssss.
---

1. [Calvo and Hobwise in bathroom]
H: These are the Cracks of Doom?
C: Sure smells bad in here.

2. H: So aren’t you going to cast the ring into the Cracks?
C: In a minute. Hey, do you feel a lidless eye staring at us?

3. H: No, but I think I here a door opening.
C: I wonder what would happen if I put the ring on?

4. H: Your mother would probably bite your finger off.
[We see Calvo about to put the ring on]
---

1. [Calvo puts ring on]

2. [We see an other-worldly landscape, with a ghastly looking creature vaguely resembling Calvo’s father reaching out toward him].
F: Give me the ring, Calvo.
C: It’s mine, you creep!

3. [The scene has changed. Now we see a single, lidless eye staring at Calvo.]
C [Taking ring off]: No, you can’t have it!

4. [Normal scene again. Callum bursts into bathroom]
Callum: My precioussss!!!
---

1. Callum [grabbing at ring]: My precioussss!
Calvo: Stay away! It’s mine, you mutant!
[Thumping noise in background.]

2. Callum: Give that back! You stole it from me!
Calvo: Did not! I stole it from my mom!
[Thumping louder.]

3. [Calvo and Callum struggle. The ring flies through the air. Thumping louder still.]

4. [Calvo’s mom rushes into bathroom, as ring drops into toilet]
M: My ring!!!!
C and C: Aaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhh!!!
---

1. [Calvo sits in chair as mother lectures him.]
M: Not only was stealing my ring bad, but locking Rasuman out was dangerous and irresponsible.

2. M: What would’ve happened if you had an emergency and she wasn’t there to help?

3. M: Now you march straight up to your room and think about what you’ve done.

4. [Calvo and Hobwise lying in bed.]
H: Boy, no one gives the evil eye like your mom.
C: Hmmph. Next time I’m throwing her into the Cracks of Doom.
---

1. H: Well, I guess we learned our lesson this time.
C: HA! They can lock up my body, but they’ll never lock up my spirit!

2. C: I’ll show them! No evil witch queen can beat me!

3. C: They may have defeated me for now, but I’ll get my revenge!
H: How will you do that?

4. C [holding up papers]: I swiped Rasuman’s recipe for Erik-Hai.
H [turning over, pulling covers up]: Wake me when it’s over.