What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin and Hobbes

by Mythew

A quest thought the house to get to the cookies while avoiding the baby sitter.
Calvin: Frodo
Hobbes: Gandalf
Roslyn: Sauron/Saraman

Open on Calivin's bedroom, again unfairly sent to bed by Roslyn just after his parents leave for a night out.
Alone in bed Calvin looks out the window and makes a wish on the first star he sees.
Calvin: I wish there was a way I could get past Roslyn without getting into trouble like last time, but she took away my Stupendous man costume.

The door bursts open. A tall dark shadow stand in the door holding a staff and wearing a pointy hat. Calvin, wide eyed, pulls the covers up under his chin.

The drama is broken as the figure reaches up and switched on the light. It turns out to be Hobbes in a paper hat holding a toilet brush.

Hobbes:“Neato effects huh?”
Calvin: Who are you, Peter Jackson all of a sudden?

Next strip.

Hobbes standing next to the bed in his paper hat holding onto the toilet brush.
Hobbes: Roslyn sent you to bed at six o’clock?”
Calvin: Yeah! She’s still mad about me locking her boyfriend Chuck in the basement last time and not telling her. She needs to stop living in the past.
Hobbes: Well I think I’ve got an idea that will cheer you up.
Calvin: If you hid sardines in the bed again you’re going to get it and how.

Next strip.

Hobbes sitting on the bed in hat with brush in his lap. Calvin staring at him in astonishment.
Calvin: A quest? Like what? To foil an evil alien invasion? To save the world form over education?
Hobbes: Better than that, we’re going to destroy a ring!
Calvin: Oh no, count me out. Mom won’t let me anywhere near her jewelry box ever since that little incident with the buried Pirate treasure in the toilet.

Next strip.

Same scene.
Calvin looking at a small object in his hands: What is it?
Hobbes: It’s a Ring of Power. With it you can turn invisible!
Calvin: What does the inscription say?
Hobbes: It is written in the black speech of Odor, but in the common tongue it is a most terrible curse!
Calvin: It looks like it says “Roslyn, class of 2004.”
Hobbes: Fool of a Mook! Do not speak the black speech here!

Next strip

Calvin’s bedroom door. Calvin to one side, Hobbes to the other. Calvin peers out the slight opening.
Calvin: So you’re telling me that if we destroy this ring Roslyn’s powers as a babysitter will be destroyed as well?
Hobbes: Yup! And you’ll be free to sit up and eat cookies and watch TV all night long!
Calvin: And she’ll have to do anything I say?
Hobbes: Right again!
Calvin: Look out video store, here we come!
Hobbes: Vampire Vixens of Venus at last!

Next strip,

At the foot of the stairs, Calvin and Hobbes look around the corner and see Roslyn sitting on the couch reading with headphones on.
Calvin: This is going to be a snap! If I put the ring on it’ll make me invisible and I can walk right past her to the kitchen and drop it into the garbage disposal!
Hobbes: Oh no! You can’t put it on! If you do her evil radar power will pick you out and we’ll be done for for sure!
Calvin looking shocked: What kind of a stupid ring of power is that? Why not just have a foghorn on it and shout as we walk into the mouth of doom!
Roslyn getting up from the couch and taking the headphones off: Calvin? If you’re out of bed I’m going to tie you to the bedpost!
Hobbes pushing Calvin: Quick! Into the basement! It’s our only chance!

Next strip: Sunday full color.

Artwork: The fellow ship walk down a flight of stairs. Calvin as the Ring bearer.
Voice over: We walked the dark and lonely caverns of Moria, the bodies of fallen dwarves surrounding us. The threat of attack looming ever present. The stink of Orks hangs heavy in the air.

Artwork: The fellowship stand at the crossroads in Moria, Gandalf aka Hobbes pauses to try and remember the way.
Voice over: The quest to destroy the ring and seems cursed at every turn. Trapped here in the darkness we can only wonder at what evils the dark lord is causing on the outside world.

Artwork: The great hall of the Dwarven city
Voiceover: We gaze at a place long forgotten; in Awe and sadness, yet we press ever onward. But in the darkness unseen eyes track us.

Artwork: The fellowship look around in a panic as the sound of drums thunder in the air.
Voice over: Our luck was stretched to thin! Now the hordes will soon be upon us by the thousands and all will be lost in the city of the dead!

Artwork: The Barlog with the army of orks along side it rear up out of the darkness. The fellowship flees for their lives.
Voice over: The Creature of a time before time has come! A great fiery apparition as tall as a mountain lumbers through the great hall after the heroes. Doom seems certain! There is no fighting and no escape!

Artwork switches from fantasy back to reality.
Hobbes: It’s only the furnace coming on!
Calvin: Forsooth, I knew that! Now help me get out of the Dryer! I’m stuck!

Next strip

Hobbes holding a flashlight shines it up an old set of stairs: Hey, this must be the storm cellar door outside! We can get out here!
Calvin: Great idea, then what? Wait around outside until Mom and Dad get home and try to explain what I’m doing out in the dark in my pajamas with my dumb tiger?
Hobbes: Well it’s either out this door or we stay here and you starve.
Calvin: What do you mean me? You haven’t got anything to eat either!
Hobbes gives Calvin the “predatory” grin.
Calvin: Ok, give me a boost will you? The bottom step is broken.

Next strip

Outside the storm cellar doors.
Calvin: Ok Mister Wizard, we’re outside, now what?
Hobbes: I dunno, I’m tiered of doing all the thinking on this quest. You think of something.
Susie Derkins looks out her window and sees them both. She opens the window and calls to them.
Susie: Calvin? What on earth are you doing outside?
Calvin in a panicked voice: Egad! It’s the Elf Witch! She’s come to get us!

Next strip

Outside between Susie and Calvin’s houses, Susie is talking to Calvin from her bedroom window.
Susie: So you got locked in the basement and didn’t want to get in trouble so you came out this way?
Calvin: Forsooth and verily. The Wizard tiger and I are on a quest!
Susie: Yeah, right. How are you going to get back in?
Calvin eyeing the drainpipe of his own house: The wizard tiger is going to cook up a flying spell and we’re going to go back in through my bedroom window.
Susie walks away from her window: Right hang on a second.
Susie returns to the window: Here, You parents gave my parents a spare key for emergencies, just give it back tomorrow before anyone knows it’s missing.
Calvin Bows gracefully: Zounds, thou art truly a fair and just queen of the Elves and we are honored by your gifts.
Suzie: What ever, I just don’t want to be waken up by an ambulance coming to take you away after you fall off the roof.
Hobbes now animated since Susie is gone: Heh heh. Smoochie smoochie with the elf lady eh?
Calvin: Oh shut up.

Next strip

The back door to the house, in the kitchen.
Calvin: This is great! We can ditch the ring in the garbage disposal and destroy Roslyn’s babysitter powers before she knows what’s happening!
Hobbes: Lucky break for us! Then it’s cookies and tuna for everyone!
They open the door and start to sneak in. Roslyn steps around the corner she was hiding behind.
Roslyn: Ha! I got you now!
Calvin: The Ring! Quick where is it? We can turn invisible and get away!
Hobbes: you had it! I gave it to you!
Calvin: No you didn’t you bumbling old half-wit wizard!
Hobbes: Yes I did you half pint little…
Fight ensues, Roslyn sighs.

Next strip

Same scene
Roslyn reaches down and picks up a struggling Calvin and an inanimate Hobbes breaking up the “fight”.
Ros: I don’t know what you’ve been up to or why you were outside but I just know it’s going to be as bad as the superhero bit!
Calvin: But.. How did you know? We didn’t put on your ring!
Ros: So that’s why I found it on the floor next to the basement stairs! I thought I just left it in the bathroom! What were you going to do with… Never mind I don’t want to know.
Last frame: Calvin and Hobbes in bed looking disgruntled.
Calvin: Now what?
Hobbes: Either the land will be covered in an age of darkness or she tells your parents.
Calvin: I’m hoping for the darkness thing.