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We're out of food in the middle of nowhere-fucks-ville so I'm pissed. All we have left are these stupid elvish things. What the hell do they call them? To hell with it! They taste like fucking cardboard gone stale.
Being the RBFH, I'm at least able ot keep myself entertained. I slip the Ring on and give Gimli a huge wedgie. That'll keep me snickering for a couple hours. At least I won't have to listen to him go on about Galadriel. What a bitch! First we go blindfolded, then she nearly lets me fall into her fucking water bowl, Ring and all.
Aragorn decides to counsel with me. "We have a follower," he squaks.
"Oh" (thinking -- what the hell do you expect does he expect me to do it? You're the one that let him get away!)
"It's your decision, as the ring bearer: should we let him follow or try and catch the sneak?"
Just then Legolas starts talking like a typical know-it-all Elf. God, will he EVER SHUT UP?
"I don't think it wise for us to ignore him. He might try and sneak up on us while we rest."
I was getting so hungry. Those damn lembas or lambdas or whateverthehellthosethingsare suck. "Let's catch the slimey twirp," I announce. "I want some real food."
Gimli starts pulling at his pants. Maybe if he didn't spend so much time sitting on that axe of his, I think to myself and start laughing.
"What are you laughing at, halfling?" Gimli asks in front of the Company.
Aragorn jumps in. Damn. I thought I was going to have fun, for once. Gods, we all need a good hit from some sweet pipe-weed.
"Let's not fight. We have bigger challenges ahead of us. Now, the ring bearer has decided we shall catch him. But to eat him? Do you think Sam can do it?"
I have to hand it to the old man, Sam wasn't too bright. And he's no fun, either; I don't even have to do any work to make an ass of him. He's always talking about his Gaffer-this and Gaffer-that. Jesus. He's worse than Legolas.
>dummy mode on<
"Sam, do you think you can handle cooking the smelly thing? I'm fucking famished!"
Sam turns, "Oh master!" (fuck, I hate it when he pulls that shit) "Oh master I shall try my best to cook up something nice. Send Merry and Pippin to get some 'taters and veggies and we'll cook up a good stew."
"Sure thing" Now I wanted to shove Sting up his back-side for saying 'taters. *groans*
.... after they eat and the RBFH is on watch while everyone sleeps ...
Now what am I supposed to do? Everyone's sleeping. And fucking Gimli is being
so loud I think the whole of Middle Earth can hear. This is so boring. I should
have just given the stupid Ring to the smelly guy on the horse. I would have
saved myself a whole lot of worthless time.
I figure I'll go down to the river and fill-up bottles of water, put them in Sam's backpack to weigh him down even more. The stupid moron probably won't even notice.
.... in the morning ....
So Sam gets up and I tell him that I've taken some of his weight and put it
into my pack.
"Hey thanks!" he says.
What a moron. He will *never* learn. I think I'm going to cast him into Mount Doom when I have the chance.