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Dear Gollum,
Lately, I've been getting these huge corns on my feet. They're big and round
and touching them hurts to holy bejeezus! I'm not entirely sure what could have
caused it, but Hubby says I should be more careful with the vitamin intake,
you know... watch those Cs and Es! I've also been considering maybe getting
those special soles I saw going cheap down at the sporting goods store, but
I don't really know if that stuff will help me. In any case, I'm getting kind
of desperate -- Hubby won't give me a foot massage with my feet the way they
are, and I'm really starting to get that hankerin', if you know what I mean!
What can I do?
-Winsome in Wisconsin
Dear Winsome,
Preeeeciousssss! My preeeeeciousssss! They've taken it away, they have!
They must have taken it! Wretched little Bagginsss-creature! Hissss! Gurgle!
Hisssssssssss!
Dear Gollum,
I've been out of the closet for 6 years now, and for most of that time my sexuality
has never been a problem. Coming out was so much easier than I thought it would
be; I'd expected much ado, if you know what I mean, but everyone was just so
amazingly warm and receptive. It really made me feel loved and accepted. Well,
the other day, my father suddenly decided that he doesn't want "no son of his"
being "queer as a steer." Needless to say, I'm shocked, hurt and offended beyond
belief, not to mention mortified -- I mean, he couldn't possibly have picked
a worse time than my most important audition, like, ever! I'm finished in show
business, but what's worse, my dad suddenly hates me! I just don't understand
this! I'm so lost!
-Frantic in Fresno
Dear Frantic,
We had our precious right here, in our handses, and now it's gone! Gone! Preeeeciouss!
My preeeeciouss!
We'll get that nasssty Bagginss! Sssspiteful, ssslimy little creature! It has
my preeeciousss in its nasssty little pocketses! Hissss! Thief! Thief! Baggins!
We hates it! We hates it forever!
Gollum is a twisted abomination whose weekly advice column, Ask Gollum, appears in over 200 newspapers nationwide. His syndicated radio show, Losssst! Lllloooosssstt!, is now in its 2nd year running.