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"We make progress," remarked Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor. He hadn't had
many opportunities to use that phrase since the invasion had begun, and he was
getting exasperated with the slow progress of the forces at his disposal. "And
yet, we face stern opposition at every front."
"Truth, Exalted Mordorlord" replied the Witch King of Angmar, Sauron's closest
assistent, indicating his agreement with a nod of his cloak. "Then again, no-one
could have excepted to know what we would face when we first started our offensive."
With a sigh, Sauron moved over to face the Palantir and called over a familiar
image. The magically projected hobbit, wielding but a slingshot and clad in
no kind of an armor, appeared; a familiar image. It was as if the hobbit was
mocking him and his slow progress, again and again. "This was what we excepted
to face!" Sauron exclaimed with a hiss of resignation.
"Indeed it was," asserted Witch King. "However, I find it most fascinating,
if not little repulsive, that this creature has hairy feet." Witch King had
a soft, inward chuckle at the thought of a hairy-footed creature.
...
Cue in 20 different storylines 5 of which are interchangeable, numerous references
to hobbits having hairy feet (lest we forget that important fact) and at least
7 creepily underdescribed sex scenes...