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Rivendell. An open hall, with a marble table. A snail
sits on the table, perched meditatively on a volume
of Elven poetry. Frodo sits on an uncomfortable chair,
trying to adjust his belt. An elf enters.
Elf: Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger . . .
he sees Frodo) . . . can I help you?
Frodo: Probably not.
Elf: All right. (exits)
Elrond enters.
Elrond: Mr. Baggins. May I . . . (notices the snail;
to the snail: ) Hello, Lightning. Arwen's been looking
for you.
Frodo: About the ring . . .
Elrond: Of course, Mr. Baggins. Gandalf has asked me
to summon all of our guests to a council this evening
to discuss what is to be done with that fascinating
artifact your uncle uncovered. It will be held in the
gazebo -heaven knows what the dwarves would do to the
marble in the hall. With any luck, we will not be subjected
to another recitation of Legolas's poetry while we wait.
Frodo: I saw his book. I thought I might pick it up
wihle I waited for you, but it's got . . .
Elrond: Metaphors that would make the Eldar weep?
Frodo: Slime.
Elrond: Exactly.
Frodo: No, I mean - slime. The snail's been sitting
on it for the past hour.
Elrond: It's time for his walk anyway. Will you excuse
me? (calling, as he exits left) Arwen, have you
remembered Lightning's leash?
Arwen: (from offstage) I hung it on the theodolite!
(she enters right) Where's father?
Frodo: What's a theodolite?
Arwen: Haven't a clue, actually. Who are you?
Frodo: My name is Baggins. Frodo Baggins. I' a hobbit.
Arwen: You're just in time for the council.
Frodo: Or the council's just in time for me.
Arwen: I don't go in for all that predestination stuff
myself.
Frodo: You believe in free will?
Arwen: No, I just haven't finished the equations yet.
Coming?
Frodo: Who is?
Arwen: You. Are you?
Frodo: Am I?
Arwen: To the council.
Frodo: Ah. Yes, I think so.
Arwen: Excellent.
(she begins to exit, Frodo follows her)
Follow me . . . try not to fall in the ha-ha.
Frodo: (offstage) What's a ha-HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Arwen: (offstage) Oh dear.