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"I saw one of the Fellowship the other day, that Gamgee fellow, he's over eleventy-one
years old now, doesn't look a day over ninety-five. Still pottering away in
his garden - he's developed several different varieties of pipe-weed by cross-breeding
them. Got this totally amazing way of reproducing the plants without soil. Apparently
he collects the stems and grows new roots in little blown-glass jars for a couple
weeks. Then... (five pages of detailed description of pipeweed propagation follows)
...so if we employ this technique for ourselves, the Shire can be totally self-sufficient
in pipeweed production within five years, and then we can cut our ties with
the Breelanders altogether!"
...The War of the Ring is a fabrication to justify the hegemony of Man over
ancient Elvish forests. The Elves never left voluntarily, they were driven out!
We must expose this deliberate falsification of history and reclaim Lothlorien
and Mirkwood for Elvish kind...
"Did I tell you, I met a traveller the other day, cloaked in White, who claimed
to have seen the Ringbearer in person?"
"You're crazy man, the Ringbearer passed into the Grey Havens fifty years ago
- he'd have to be at least eleventy-one by now...he'd be unrecognisable."
"But I heard he'd been sighted in the Northron Wastes."
"No, it was in the Misty Mountains."
"You've got him confused with his uncle, Bilbo. He's still roaming in and out
of Mirkwood, with a wandering caravan of dwarf miners."
Why should only Istari and Elves enjoy such long life-spans? Their longevity
treatments allow them to control the affairs of Middle Earth, while they use
us as pawns in their centuries-old Wars. If we Rohirrim combine our resources
with that of the Gondorians, I'm sure we can squeeze the secret out of them...
The defeat of Sauron's and Saruman's armies signals the final victory of mobile,
diverse, adaptable societies over the monolithic military-industrial complex.
By keeping on the move and out of sight, the population of Rohan was able to
take refuge in Helm's Deep, where they could have held out indefinitely, virtually
undetectable.
Furthermore, the surprise Entish attack was a masterful example of guerrilla
warfare. Never suspecting that his greatest threat was right under his nose,
Saruman over-stretched his resources in a desperate lunge for Helm's Deep, rendering
Orthanc hopelessly vulnerable.
Now, if Sauron had used the same techniques as the rebels, he could have snared
the Ring from Frodo with a relatively small, inconspicuous force of turncoat
Hobbits, who could have persuaded Frodo to entrust the Ring to their care before
he even set out from the Shire.
"...He was riding a giant Eagle, man! Wingspan was easily fifty feet
across if it was an inch, sailing the katabatic gusts out of Mordor..."
"The Ents have the right idea. They have an economy based entirely on what the
natural resources of the land will generate, and they have a perpetual stewardship
over Fangorn to ensure its ongoing sustainability."
"Now that just reveals your anti-Man bias. Everyone knows Rohan needs room to
expand."