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"Once upon a time, there was a hobbit named (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!) Frodo Baggins. He lived in Middle-Earth, where people spent a lot of time drinking ale and smoking some kind of strange weed in a pipe, which is undoubtedly why his parents gave him a name like "Frodo." ("Hey, babe, pass the bong, and turn up the Iron Butterfly... oh, and let's name the kid Frodo." "PFFFFFFFFT! Sure, sweetie... and do we have any more Doritos?").
Now, life got complicated for Frodo because of his uncle Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo. Sorry, I just like saying "Bilbo." Bilbo. Anyway, be that as it may, Bilbo.
Sorry, that won't happen again. Anyway, years before, Bilbo had traded his cow for a bunch of magic beans, climbed up a beanstalk, killed a giant, and stolen his magic ring. Ha ha! No, I'm just kidding of course- that was Rapunzel. But Bilbo got a magic ring from this guy named Gollum. Gollum was slimy, foul-smelling and lived in a cave. He was sort of like Newt Gingrich, only a little more charming. Gollum ate nothing but raw fish... which reminds me of a letter I got from Mrs. Elsie Hammerdingle of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who sent me this clip from the Daily Bugle. It says that hundreds of people in Maryland have snakehead fish coming up their toilets and biting them on the buns.
Now, clearly, this is a job for the Pentagon. As long as they're spending $5 trillion per toilet seat, they could at least invent one with heat sensors and laser guided snakehead fish killers. That way, if Gollum tried to swim up Frodo's toilet and bite his furry tushie, he'd be toast.
Bilbo. (Sorry, I couldn't help it!)