What the Hell is That NOISE?
by Hihorse
It started out as a rather innocuous thing. *beep* As I was watching TV, trying to recover from a bout of diverticulitis, my sub-conscience picked up on the subtle *beep* sound. Nothing too hairy, here. Just a little noise at the far reaches of my little world. *beep* Wandered in and out of the room throughout the day, tending to the annoyances of a chronic illness *beep* but still catching that sound on occasion.
Day 2 of still not feeling well, back to the TV. *beep* After a couple of hours of nothing to watch, but still unable to unglue myself from the boob-tube *beep*, I decide to put in a choice video and watch The Great Race. *beep* That Jack Lemmon cracks me up! This is one of my all-time favorite movies! *beep* Well, there's another 2 hours down - let's watch another classic. How about It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World? *beep* All righty, then. Hoo-boy! That Jonathan Winters is a card! *beep* Well, this is starting to get a little annoying *beep*, so off to bed I go.
Day 3 - yep, still under the weather (and over the toilet), so back to the Idiot Box. *beep* Let's see, how about Some Like It Hot? Yep, that'll do. *beep* More Jack Lemmon - did I mention he cracks me up? *beep* Ok, this is getting really annoying, now. *beep* "Hey, you guys. What's making that sound?" *beep*
PARENTS: "What sound?" *beep*
HIHORSE: "That beeping sound. It's been going on for a couple of days, now."
*beep*
PARENTS: "I don't hear anything. What's it sound like?" *beep*
HIHORSE: "Like a beep. Is it the smoke alarm?" *beep*
FATHER: "I don't hear anything." *beep*
HIHORSE: "Of course not. You couldn't hear a freight train if you were standing
on top of it!" *beep*
MOTHER: "Where's it coming from?" *beep*
HIHORSE: "If I knew that, I could find out what it was." *beep*
Mother wanders into the living room and begins to chatter like a magpie. *beep* She's nuts, you know. Poor old dear. Toys in the attic, and all. *beep* But, God love her, she at least puts in an effort. Now, if she'd just be quiet for 30 seconds *beep* she could hear what I'm hearing. Noooo. That would be too easy. *beep*
HIHORSE: "Check your Rascal (little motorized cart) to see if you left the
key on, or if it's the battery charger, or...something. *beep* Hell, I don't
know - just check it out." *beep*
MOTHER: "Nope, it's not making any noises. *beep* Oh, is that the sound you're
hearing?" *beep*
HIHORSE: "Why, yes...yes, it is." *beep*
MOTHER: "What is that? Is that you?" *beep*
HIHORSE: "Oh, good grief. If it was me, do you think I'd be asking what that
noise was?!?" *beep*
::Mother wanders off again, back to her own little world::
*beep*
All 4 cats are walking around with their ears out flat, giving little starts & jumps *beep* everytime it beeps. Once in awhile, somebodies tail will pouf up - just pffft. *beep* If it weren't so damned annoying, this could be kinda cute to watch. Maybe on mute. *beep* So you wouldn't be driven insane.
*beep*
HIHORSE: "What the HELL is that NOISE?!?" *beep*
FATHER: "What's it sound like?" *beep*
HIHORSE: "For the love of Pete, it sounds like a BEEP!! *beep* Haven't you
been listening to me?!?" *beep*
FATHER: "Well, it's not the smoke alarm. Just checked that." *beep*
HIHORSE: "It almost sounds like it's coming from the front door." *beep*
FATHER: "Could it be the doorbell?" *beep*
HIHORSE: "Our doorbell BEEPS?!?" *beep*
FATHER: "No, I don't think so." *beep*
HIHORSE: "Then why did you ask me if it was the doorbell?" *beep*
FATHER: "Because you said it sounded like it was coming from the front door."
*beep*
HIHORSE: ::heavy sigh:: *beep*
FATHER: "Oh, is that the sound you're talking about?" *beep*
HIHORSE: "Yes, oh yes. Finally! Do you have any idea what it is?" *beep*
FATHER: "Well, that sounds like it's coming from the motorhome." *beep*
HIHORSE: "Great, let's go check it out before I lose my ever-lovin' mind!"
*beep*
FATHER: "No, you stay here - I don't want you tramping around in my motorhome."
*beep*
::what the...?!?::
So dear, old Dad ambles out to the motorhome *beep* that, apparently, I'm not allowed into and begins futzing around for what seems like an eternity. *beep* If he doesn't find something soon, I'm going to become homicidal. Patricidal. Nuts. Officially, nuts. *beep* He mutters and fumbles and checks all sorts of *beep* wires and gadgets before he determines it's one of the detectors. *beep* Finally, he decides it really is OK for me to "tramp around" his *beep* motorhome, since he can't determine if it's the smoke detector or the CO detector that's *beep* making that sound.
Now, these detectors have little lights on them that blink *beep* when they make a noise, and the CO box has a display screen that gives you *beep* messages. But Daddy-dearest can't seem to see the light *beep* or the display, so I have to be his eyes. I determine *beep* from the flashing light and the Err message displayed on the screen that *beep* it's the CO box.
I wrench the dreadful little monster *beep* from the wall and flip it over, hoping to be able to *beep* remove the freakin' battery. Alas, *beep* this was not to be. It's a sealed unit *beep* with no screws or anything to take it apart, no *beep* seams or anything the like. Apparently, this is a *beep* lifetime battery and if you need to replace the battery *beep* you have to replace the entire box. However, there are some helpful *beep* messages on the back - things like "If you see Error in the display *beep*, please refer to your user's manual."
HIHORSE: "Dad, it says to look in the manual to resolve the error message."
*beep*
FATHER: "Your brother-in-law didn't give me a manual." *beep*
HIHORSE: "What does Rex have to do with this?" *beep*
FATHER: "He's the one that bought and installed it. *beep* I think he just
threw the packaging away." *beep*
HIHORSE: "That's not like him to do anything like that. *beep* Check your
folder of manuals & guides to see if he stuck it in there." *beep*
Dear old Dad collects the folder of books for the RV, and *beep* takes the blankety-blank box out of my hand and saunters back into the house. Finally! I can get some *beep* peace & quiet. Ha! I say, Ha! again. *beep* He decides that the best place to thumb through this 10" deep folder is right...behind...ME !!! *beep* For 30 freakin' minutes! Page by page! *beep*
HIHORSE: "So help me, God, if you don't get that thing away from me, I'm
going to go postal! I'm not kidding!!" *beep*
FATHER: "Quick, Pat, hide the guns. The kid's gonna lose it! (snicker, snicker)"
*beep*
HIHORSE: "Yeah, you're a regular laugh-riot, you are. Please, Daddy...I'm
beggin' you here *beep* to please take that thing somewhere else. Please."
*beep*
FATHER: "I think I need to call Rex. I can't find *beep* any manual for this
thing. Maybe he's got it. Or another one." *beep*
HIHORSE: "Great. Call him. Just take that *beep* abomination with you. PLEASE!!"
*beep*
Did I mention that Dad's not too tightly wound either? Not as bad as Mom,
*beep* but gettin' there. Elevator goes all the way to the top, but the doors
don't always open all the way. *beep* He takes the CO box down the hall with
him, and shoves it in a stack of towels in the *beep* linen closet. Well,
at least it's muffled. At least it's not right behind me. At least
*mmeeep* it's....well, quietter. Quieter? More quiet?
Less noisy. Never does call Rex. Why? *mmeeep* I don't
know. Something in his wiring, I guess. Who knows? That's just Dad.
*mmeeep*
Day 4 - *mmeeep* It slips into your dreams. It invades
your every waking moment. It's almost as annoying
*mmeeep* as the full-on beep. I'm going to the hardware
store, I'm buying a new CO box and a sledgehammer.
*mmeeep* Anybody wanna go along?
Posted 3/30/03