POLL: Should I Let My Girlfriend Near My Penis Again?
by Anal Scurvy
An hour ago:
me: "I'm bored."
her: "Let me shave your cock."
me: (waving TV guide) "I guess you don't want this, then."
We had an argument. My standpoint was that my cock wasn't hairy, the foreskin was. And it was only the part where my foreskin met my pelvis and that if you pulled my foreskin past the end of my penis then, yeah, of course it would look half hairy. Most of this logic was lost on her, seeing as how she'd never even seen a foreskin before. Her past boyfriends were all circumsized and no pornos she's seen involve uncut men (come to think of it, I've never seen foreskin in porn either).
In any case, I agreed on the condition that she let me shave her genitals as well. ("Your breasts have been chafing me for awhile," earned me a beating.) She didn't want me to shave her, saying she had much more experience with delicate shaving jobs since she shaved her legs all the time. I decided chick logic couldn't all be faulty. How wrong I was.
So I shaved her pubic area and did a marvellous job. Attentive and diligent, with the steady hands of an artist. It's absolutely perfect, even she agreed.
I even had the foresight to warn her that it would itch when it started growing back in a few days.
So then she starts on me and all of a sudden my penis is bleeding! She hadn't even started using the razor yet, she was still using the scissors! I don't know how she did this either, I'm bleeding in four places that almost form the corners of a perfect square, each point about a half inch apart! And she only cut me once! WTF!
It's like cutting corners out of folded paper to make a snowflake! At what point in the process is it obvious you're doing something wrong? When you have a little flesh sailboat in a sea of blood? Origami bris is officially a Bad ThingTM.
And now she wants to finish the job! Can you believe this? She can't return to her superiors without the head on a pike?
The downsides are obvious, and the only upside I can think of is that right now my pubic area is hairless on the left. No longer symmetrically aerodynamic, I might veer in circles when I'm nude.
Plus, the wild, new, exciting sex. That's probably an upside.
I decided to condescendingly tell my girlfriend, "Sorry, you're just a girl. This is a man's job."
And I was doing fine until I had to trim my underside, which I cannot manipulate into my line of vision and cut at the same time.
Slice!
So then I'm freaking out in the bathroom with my sac dangling in the sink as I'm splashing water on it and sweettalking my genitals ("C'mon, baby, please be okay you'll pull through this, let me know you're okay, c'mon baby") with the door wide open. My roommate stops his casual jaunt right outside the bathroom and is staring at me with dumbfounded eyes. Then he goes and looks in my room where my girlfriend is laughing herself stupid, rolling around on the floor. My roommate's still standing here in morbid fascination. I'm glad he doesn't speak much English.
Once I calm down sufficiently I stumble past my roommate and make my way back to my room. In a touching Full House-esque moment, we decide that teamwork is the way to win the day. So we hug and, working with perfect unison, proceed to put about forty or fifty new nicks in my privates. It was one of those bittersweet moments, I assure you.
I swear to God, if vampires existed I'd be getting the most vigorous blowjob in the world right now and there'd be a line out the door.
And my girlfriend hasn't breathed properly for the last twenty minutes. She's laughing into my pillow as I type this.
So what's the procedure from here? Do I put a bunch of toilet paper scraps all over my cock? (The crazy bitch on my bed just told me she wants aftershave on it so it smells nice.)
Oh lord, I'm going to find one of those "glad to be single" threads.
Posted 1/5/02