She Gets It In the End
by Rue DeDay
Once upon a time there was a little girl. Her name was Jennine.
She wondered off from home one day, and got lost in the woods. Jennine was
another not-real-bright story girl. We've met a few so far, and I'm pretty
sure you know who things will turn out. But keep reading anyway. "The trip
is half the fun." Or some other trite saying. Just read it, it won't hurt
anything. Unless you're reading without good lighting. Then you'll get a
headache. You might have heard it will ruin your eyes. It won't. Your eyes
won't be ruined by reading in bad light. But it will give you a headache.
You've been warned.
Jennine wandered through the forest. Which was dumb. If
you ever get lost in a forest, don't wander around. Stay put. This makes
it easier for the Ranger to find you. Unless you get lost in Denali. The
park, not the SUV. If you get lost in a car, you deserve to die. Just keep
wandering around in your car until you are attacked by wild SUV dwelling
animals. It's what you deserve. If you get lost in Denali, the park, you
probably shouldn't be there to start with. If you get lost a lot, don't go
to Alaska. OK? Unless you're a jerk. Then if you get lost a lot, people will
encourage you to go to Alaska. But this isn't about you, it's about Jennine.
She's lost in the forest, remember?
Jennine wandered through the forest until she found a cottage.
She didn't know whose cottage it was, but seeing as she was a cute blonde,
she believed everyone would just be thrilled to have a cute
blonde around. So, she walked right up to the front door and began pounding
on it.
"Hey! You guys in there! It's me, Jennine! I'm a cute blonde
and I'm lost! Let me in!" She went on like that for a while. Finally it sunk
in that maybe there was no one home.
"They won't mind if I pop in for a few minutes. Just to
rest. And check my make-up," thought Jennine. She really thought like that.
Good thing this is just a silly story and there aren't really people like
that. Huh?
She looked around a while for the spare key. Everyone keeps
a spare key near the front door in case they get locked out. Right? No luck.
Jennine couldn't find the spare key. So she did the only thing she could
think of. She kicked the door a couple of good ones and when it popped open,
with a broken lock and jamb, she went in. She could smell something cooking,
and this reminded her she was hungry. Jennine was so stupid she had to be
reminded she was hungry. The empty, growling feeling in her stomach was not
a big enough clue. She saw three bowls of something on the table. It was
porridge! Her favorite. Not peas porridge that's been in the pot for nine
days, but it would do. She tried the first bowl, the really big bowl, and
it was too hot to eat. She tried the next biggest bowl, and it was too cold.
It must have sat in a draft. The smallest bowl was just right. So she ate
it all.
"They won't mind," she thought, if you could call that
"thinking". "I'm blonde and cute and hungry. Feeding me is the least they
could do."
After all that eating, she needed to rest. There were three
chairs in the next room. She could sit and watch TV for a while. The biggest
chair was too hard. The next biggest chair was too soft, and a little lumpy.
Jennine was sitting on a quilt that was only half finished. All the material
and batting and that hoop thing were all piled up on the chair. If Jennine
could exert herself to actually look where she was sitting she would
have seen this. If she looked where she was sitting she wouldn't have fallen
into the outhouse that one time either. Jennine just doesn't learn. She saw
a third chair and tried it out. It was OK, but Jennine was too much for the
chair. It was being repaired and the glue wasn't dry yet and the chair broke.
That's when Jennine heard the siren pull up to the house
and a voice came over a loudspeaker. "You, in the house! Come out with your
hands up!" When she kicked in the door, the silent burglar alarm went off.
It wasn't an alarm for silent burglars. There aren't that many mimes breaking
into houses to warrant an alarm just for them. It was a burglar alarm that
didn't make any noise at the house, but called the police. When Jennine came
out she was maced in the face and tackled to the ground. The mace was just
police-issue teargas, it wasn't a big stick with spikes and metal bands,
so Jennine lived.
Jennine was charged with breaking and entering, petty theft
and vandalism. She plea bargained down to paying restitution and 50 hours
community service. Nothing went on her Permanent Record. And she didn't learn
a thing. She went on to become a TV star. Her show got to be #2 in her timeslot,
and she got a movie deal. It was too much too fast and she got involved in
drugs. She was busted for possession, and sent to rehab. There, on the advice
of her agent, she found God. She abandoned her acting career (which was really
easy, seeing how no one was offering her parts anymore) and became a Christian
Rock singer. She was reviled until her death by mainstream music fans. Christian
Rock fans are just weird and the bought all of her records and Jennine became
very rich. But not any smarter.
It was trendy for rich people to take up "causes". Jennine
decided bears were cute and cuddly. She sponsored the rare Spectacled Bear
at her local zoo. One day, at a photo shoot Jennine got too close to "her"
bear, and he ate her.
Posted 8/13/01