He was Dillinger Before Dillinger was Cool
by Rue DeDay
Long ago, outside the villiage of Nottingham, in the Sherwood
Forest, there lived Robin Hood. He hung out with his "Merry Men". There was
also one woman, Marrian. She baked coconut cream pies, and wore her hair
in pigtails and had those cut off shorts and her shirt tied above her
bellybutton. Man, was she hot, in a wholesome way. Did you know, she got
twice the fan mail as Ginger? Ginger was kind of a bitch. And what was with
her dress made out of a duffle bag?
No, wait... that was Mary Ann, and she wasn't in
Sherwood Forest. Although Sherwood Schwartz did create her show. But that
is just a co-incidence.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. "Marrian". She was also known as
"Lady Marrian" or "Maid Marrian". You only lost your "Maiden" and became
"Maid" if you fooled around. At least back then. So obviously she was more
than a beard. Unless she lied about the whole "Maid" thing. Maybe she just
did light dusting... Hmmmm...
Anyway, there were a lot of stories told about Robin Hood
and his pals the Merry Men. Friar Tuck, Little John, Will Scarlet, Much the
miller's son, a colorfull band of rogues they were.
One day, when they were out doing what they did, the Sheriff
of Nottingham got lucky. He caught Robin Hood, anyway. He might have gotten
"lucky" too, but I'm not spreading any rumors. If you want to run around
the woods in pantyhose, playing with swords and arrows and quarterstaffs
and other things of that ilk, you know, long and skinny, go right ahead.
It's not my place to judge.
The Sheriff had Robin up against a tree.
"Robin, oh Robin," he said. (And it wasn't "Robin! Oh!
Robin!" either. That was just the way they talked back then. It was England
after all.)
"Robin, oh Robin, why do you do the things you do?"
"What things are that of which you speak?" asked Robin
Hood. It never hurts to ask for clarification.
"Why must you steal from the rich and give to the
poor?"
"Because, you moron, the rich are the ones with the money!"
And Will Scarlet snuck up from behind a tree, and busted
the Sheriff over the head with a stout stick, knocking him, the Sheriff of
Nottingham, out cold. Will and Robin skipped... I mean... ran off
into the Forest to have further adventures another day.
Posted 8/13/01