Eat This
by Rue DeDay
Once upon a time, far, far away, there was an enchanted
land where the animals could talk. You can't get there from here without
major pharmaceuticals, so don't even try. OK? You're just kids after all,
sheesh.
I haven't used this opening in a while. I thought I'd revive
it because there are talking animals in this story. Well, there's one talking
animal. So, there you go.
There was a little girl. Her name was Abby. She always
wore a riding hood, even though she couldn't ride a horse. It was like wearing
a 'coon skin cap, even if you aren't really Davy Crocket. It was just a goofy
kid thing. Another goofy kid thing she did was always wear red. Some people
thought this meant she was "easy", but she just liked to wear red.
One day her Mom sent her out to bring a goody basket to
Grandma. It was a pretty big project, but Abby was up to it.
While she was on her way she was spied by a wolf. Now,
normal wolves live out beyond where people live. They are vital to the Balance
of Nature. They take the sick and weak animals and turn the into Wolf Chow.
This is what wolves do. Not hang out and try to eat little girls. This wolf
was a deviant. His whole family was ashamed of him.
"Hey, baby, what you up to?" asked the wolf. His name was
Morty.
"I'm taking a basket of goodies to Grandma," answered Abby.
Kids, what can you do with them? Abby knew better than to talk to strangers.
"That on the other side of the woods?" asked Morty.
"Yeah, but I have to go through town. It's safer." At least
she was that smart.
"Good for you. Be safe." The two-faced bastard.
Now, this is just stupid. The wolf could have done a few
different things. He could have...
A) Grabbed the goody basket away from Abby and had it at
his leisure.
2- Jumped Abby, eaten her, and then enjoyed the goody basket.
But nooooooo... Morty had to be greedy and go with...
III. Race ahead of Abby to Grandma's house, eat her, wait
for Abby, jump and eat her, and then enjoy the goody basket.
Stupid wolf.
He raced ahead to Grandma's house. Bang, bang, bang, he
knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" ask Grandma.
"I'm selling encyclopedias," lied the wold, Morty. "Ya
wanna buy some?"
"Just wait, I'm coming," called Grandma. Grandma wasn't
born yesterday, which is a pretty dumb expression. How could she be born
just yesterday and be a grandmother? It makes no sense. Like "In for a penny,
in for a pound." What does 1/100 of a dollar have to do with 16 ounces? Really.
Or "safe as houses". You get a big rock and you can steal the piano. Not
very safe, really. A big rock and you're in like Flynn. Which is also a dumb
expression.
Grandma was no fool, she knew the wolf was out there with
nothing good on his mind. Grandma wasn't psychic, she peeked out the peephole.
She opened the door and stuck her shotgun out. This shotgun must have had
a bore the size of a fruit can. Bartlett Pears in heavy syrup. It was one
big gun.
Abby shows up a little while later.
"Hi Grandma."
"Hi Abby."
"New rug?"
"Yeah. Real wolfskin."
"It's a little frayed around the edges."
"Maybe. But it was cheap."
Posted 8/13/01