The Girl In The Family That Did Not Blend So Well, And
What Happened
by Rue DeDay
Once there was a girl. Her name was Francesca. Actually
it wasn't, but it could have been "Francesca". If I said the girl's
name was "Francesca" people would probably get in a big snit about
favoritism and stuff. Why cause trouble? Unless there's a chance to drum
up some good Jell-O wrestling, of course. So her name was not "Francesca",
but it could have been. It could also have been "Michelle", or "Sarah", or
"Courtney", or "Rose", or even "Hazel". Her name could have been
anything. For simplicity's sake: Her name was Kelly. She called herself
"Kelli" for awhile, but got tired of it. She also tried "Keelly", but didn't
like that at all. So her name was Kelly.
She lived in her Father's house with her Wicked Stepmother
and three Ugly Stepsisters. Actually, her stepmother wasn't wicked. She did
favor her biological daughters over Kelly, but she was just unenlightened.
Not wicked. The stepsisters were not ugly either. Victoria's Secret
wasn't knocking down the door for them to model underwear, but they weren't
ugly. Some conventions are too set to break. "Unenlightened Stepmother" and
"Average-looking Stepsisters" just doesn't pack the same emotional punch.
Their names were Milena, Elspeth, Elvina and Leanna. Stepmother first, then
the three stepsisters, oldest to youngest. Kelly's father wasn't around anymore.
Shortly after the wedding, he died under mysterious circumstances. Not enough
evidence to take to court, but enough to have the neighbors look askance
at Milena.
Kelly got all the rough jobs. Clean out the hearth. Cook
the meals. Clean the house. Wash the dishes. Sew and mend the clothes. They
kept Kelly hopping.
One day they, the whole family, got an invite to the Prince's
Birthday Ball in the post. That means it was mailed to them, not that the
found the letter stuck in a log jammed in the ground for fences and tying
your horse to. Right on the envelope it said: To Milena and All The Lovely
Children. So everyone was supposed to go. Kelly wasn't allowed. You just
knew this was coming, and here it is. Kelly couldn't go. She had too
much to do around the house. Stepmother and stepsisters piled into the taxi
and zipped off to the Prince's Ball. The Royal Family was known for their
Balls, and that's all I'm going to say about that.
Kelly was stuck at home. "I didn't want to go anyway. Poo."
she said.
"Well, you could go if you wanted to." said a voice. A
voice a little deeper than you'd expect. If you see the gag coming, don't
give it away.
"Who said that?" asked Kelly.
"Me. Your Fairy Godfather." said Kelly's Fairy Godfather.
His name was Vince. "Don't ask me to do a Brando impression, because I just
find that demeaning. And I don't talk with a lisp either. Also demeaning."
"Brando? Who?"
"How old are you, kid?"
"18."
"Never mind. Look, do you want to go to the Ball, or not?"
asked Vince.
"This is what I really want." said Kelly.
Some time later, she was done explaining her plan to Vince, her Fairy Godfather.
"Done." he said.
When Milena, Elspeth, Elvina and Leanna got out of the
taxi, a shot rang out! And a second! A third! A fourth! "Oh my God! Up in
the crenellations across the courtyard! An Owl with a high-powered rifle!"
Pandemonium erupted. When nocturnal avians are showing up at Royal Balls
armed and start picking off guests, pandemonium is going to erupt, you'd
better believe it. What people never found out was there was a stalwart Wolf
who tried to stop the homicidal night hunter, but he was stymied by a ladder.
The Owl's name was Garner. The Wolf's name was Effington. There were some
Crows about too. Many Crows. They didn't enter into the happenings. Right
thinking Bunnies were hunkered down under the buffet table.
"That's not the way we usually do it." said Vince as he
and Kelly were drinking piña coladas. With the rest of the family
out of the way, Kelly got title to the house and all the cash her dad had
stashed away.
"No. I don't suppose it is." agreed Kelly. "But why would
I want to go to the Ball? So the Prince could fall "in love" with me?" Kelly,
for the record, did not make bunny ears with her fingers when she
said "in love". She's a classier dame than that. "I don't need a man. I have
skills. I can take care of myself. I just needed to get out from under Milena
and her brats. Now I have my freedom and the World is my shellfish of your
choice."
"You are one smart cookie." said Vince.
"Yes, I am." agreed Kelly.
Posted 8/13/01