The Big Race
by Rue DeDay
Once upon a time there was an enchanted land where animal
could talk. You know the drill, so let me just say Don't Do Drugs, Stay In
School, and Eat Your Vegetables.
In this land there was a turtle and a bunny rabbit. They
didn't get along so well. It could have turned ugly. Hop-by shootings, graffiti
wars, popping "caps" in each others "asses". Whoa, it could have been bad.
But it didn't get that far.
One day, actually it took about a week, the turtle was
out weeding his garden. The bunny rabbit hopped by, and decided to razz the
turtle a little.
"Whatcha-doin'?" the bunny asked. The bunny's name was
Ignazio, but everyone called him "Brick".
"I'm. Weeding. My. Garden." said the turtle. His name was
Shlomi, but everyone called him "Shlomi". You can't be clever all the time.
"Yeah-I-can-see-that. Or-I-could-with-stop-motion-photography.
Man-are-you-slow. Hahahahaha! You-are-so-slow.
I-could-do-the-whole-job-in-a-tenth-the-time-it-takes-you. Man-are-you-slow.
Hahahahaha!" said Brick.
"Then. What. Are. You. Busting. My. Ass. For? If. You.
Could. Do. It. So. Damned. Fast. Then. You. Do. It."
"What-are-you-done? I'm-sorry-I-fell-asleep-there. Hahahahaha!
No-way-Tom-Sawyer. You're-not-getting-me-to-fall-for-that-old-dodge."
"Rats." said Shlomi.
Brick waited around a while, just in case the turtle was
going to wheeze out some thing else. He didn't so Brick jumped in.
"Don't-you-get-tired-of-being-so-slow?"
"No. Don't. You. Get. Tired. Of. Being. A. Pain. In. My.
Shell?"
"No-way. You're-so-easy.
I-say-something-painfully-funny-then-I-can-hop-off-and-have-a-sandwich-while-you're-still-thinking-it-over."
"Yeah-I've-heard-that. Mostly-from-slow-pokes-like-you."
That's about enough of the dialog. It's real hard to type
it all out in the respective styles. And it goofs up the Spell Check.
So, you get the picture. Turtle = slow. Bunny = Fast. They
don't like each other. There's a Big Race. There always is a Big Race when
the two combatants are so unevenly matched. Unless it's the Harlem Globetrotters.
Then it's a basketball game. And the Globetrotters always kick the Generals'
asses. Or the Space Aliens. Or the Evil Real Estate Developers. In basketball,
the Harlem Globetrotters always kick ass. It's what they do.
But this is not about basketball, and the Harlem Globetrotters
are not to be seen. This is The Turtle and The Bunny. A classic. Shlomi gets
Brick to challenge him to a race. Brick thinks he has the whole shootin'
match tied with a string. He's a rabbit for cryin' out loud. Rabbits
are just known for their racing prowess. Turtles, not so much. Brick could
probably take a nap in the middle of the race and still beat old, slow Shlomi.
But he wouldn't. He knows that way lies folly. He'd run for all he was worth,
and at the end of the race, rub the turtles nose in it. That was the plan.
Since Brick was the challenger, Shlomi got to pick where
the race was to be. He picked a racetrack. Brick got to pick when the race
would be. He picked 2:00 on Tuesday.
They showed up at the racetrack on Tuesday for the race.
"The racers are getting in position." the announcer called over the P.A.
"Wow-nice-touch. An-announcer." Guess who said that.
There was a bell, and the announcer announced "And they're
off!"
Shlomi and Brick took off running. Brick was way out in
front, of course, when he was passed by another rabbit. Only this
one was up on a rail that ran around the track. "A rare mono-rail bunny?"
you ask. No. The racetrack Shlomi picked was a dogtrack. This was the 2:00
race. Brick didn't have a chance. 29 greyhounds came up behind him, and he
was slower than they were.
Shlomi won the race after 16 hours, by the simple fact
that he was the only racer still breathing.
Posted 8/13/01
"Slow. And. Steady. Wins. The. Race."