A Boy Made Out of Bread and the Adventures He Had

by Rue DeDay

Once upon a time, far, far away, there was an enchanted land where the animals could talk. You can't get there from here without major pharmaceuticals, so don't even try. OK? You're just kids after all, sheesh.

In this enchanted land there was a Little Old Man and a Little Old Woman. They were just an old man and an old woman. They weren't talking rabbits or anything. Sometimes, even in the enchanted land, the people you meet are just people. These were just two regular people. And they had a problem.

Their problem was: they wanted a child. But as things would have it, they couldn't. Now, they could have adopted a child, or fostered one, or volunteered at the Enchanted Land Day Care Center, or just bought a puppy and called it even. If they did any of those other things, there wouldn't be this story. So this story is all their fault. Don't blame me.

"Papa," said the Little Old Woman. "I want a child."

"Yes, I know, Mama," said the Little Old Man. "I've been reading along."

"What should we do?"asked the Little Old Woman.

"I'm not sure," said the Little Old Man. "Spin him out of straw? Plant some magic beans?"

"No, that's for making gold and getting to the Giant's castle, respectively. I guess I'll have to go to the library and do some research. And don't you go on about your "Google" dream where information just magically appears, brought to you by 1's and 0's. That's just too stupid to believe."

"Yes, dear, " said the Little Old Man. He says "Yes, dear" alot.

A little while later the Little Old Woman returns.

"Good news!" she says. "We have a couple of ways of getting ourselves a child!"

"And what are these ways, pray tell?"

"Well, the first way is, you carve a boy out of wood, and a Good Fairy comes and brings him to life. You can carve, can't you?"

"I can carve a stick into a pointy stick. What's the other way?"

"We bake him up out of gingerbread."

"Do we have any ginger?" the Little Old Man asked. He was pretty sure they didn't have any ginger, but it's always better to ask than to go out on a limb and make a statement. At least with the Little Old Woman around.

"No, but we have some other stuff. I'll see what I can do."

"Yes, dear."

The Little Old Woman got to baking. When the Little New Boy was done, she checked the oven.

"Cheese and crackers! Is it ever HOT in here! Man! Would you just let me OUT already? Oh, I guess you're my mom. Not so much the cook, are you? Not so much to look at either. You, with the hair in your ears. You'd be dad, huh? Better and better. I've been thinking, I need some tattoos. And get something pierced. I don't know what yet, but I'll think of something. You guys are too lame. I'm so out of here." the Little New Boy said. And he hopped off the table where he was cooling and ran out the front door, leaving it standing open.

"What did you make him out of?" the Little Old Man asked.

"Well..." the Little Old Woman started. "We didn't have any ginger, so I made pita bread.

"A Pita Boy? That explains it."

"Should we go after him?" the Little Old Woman asked.

"Naw, he's on his own. I'm going into town tomorrow and get a puppy."

The Pita Boy ran down the Lane. Nathan got up and brushed himself off. "You little pain in the ass!" he yelled shaking his fist at the Pita Boy. The Pita Boy chanted "Run, run, run, Hebrew and Goy. You can't catch me, I'm the Pita Bread Boy!"

The Pita Boy came to a cow grazing in a meadow. "Out of my way, cheese-bag!"

"My! Aren't you just a pain in the ass?" said the cow. There you go, a talking animal.

"I'm the Pita Boy. It's what I do." and he ran off chanting "Run, run, run, Hebrew and Goy. You can't catch me, I'm the Pita Bread Boy!"

The Pita Boy came to a mermaid sitting on a rock in the stream, drinking a Sprite®. "Hey squid! You know what they say, bread can rise to any occasion!" he yelled, grabbing his pita crotch and making thrusts with his pelvis.

"I heard it just gets soggy if it gets wet. You are just a pain in the ass, aren't you?" the mermaid said.

"I'm the Pita Boy. It's my raison d'etre!" and he ran off chanting "Run, run, run, Hebrew and Goy. You can't catch me, I'm the Pita Bread Boy!"

The Pita Boy Came to a man muttering something about "catering". "Out of my way, Gomer!"

"Y'know, you are a pain in the ass." said the man.

"You know it, bay-bee." said the Pita Boy. "Whatcha doin' standin' aound like a big goof anyway?"

"Oh, I'm working for a director..." this was as far as the man got before the Pita Boy interrupted.

"A director? Like "Hollywood"? Did he do anything I might have heard of?" the Pita Boy asked?

"Does the phrase "Phooooone hooooome" mean anything to you?"

"Man, that one sucked!" said the Pita Boy.

"How about the one with the guy in the fedora and the bullwhip, who stops the Nazi's from getting Biblical Antiquities?"

"How, the hell should I know? I've only been out of the oven for an hour. I'm still all warm inside. Man, what a dweeb."

"Then why did you say the first movie sucked?"

"I'm the Pita Bread Boy. That's my shtick."

"Pita you say? How would you like to get into the movie industry?"

"Would I? Where do I sign?"

"Come over here, and I'll show you everything you need to know."

"OK" said the Pita Boy and walked over to the strange man. If he stayed with the Little Old Man and the Little Old Woman, he'd know not to trust strangers. But he was a Pita Boy, and ran off before he could learn such lessons. The strange man grabbed the Pita Boy and ripped his head off. He stuffed the air pocket that was the thorax of the Pita Boy with Middle Eastern Goodness, and took it to the director.

"Here's your fallafel Mr. S."

That was the end of the Pita Bread Boy.

Posted 8/13/01

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