A Pig, A Pig, Another Pig, Some Houses and a
Wolf
by Rue DeDay
Once upon a time, far, far away, there was an enchanted
land where the animals could talk. You can't get there from here without
major pharmaceuticals, so don't even try. OK? You're just kids after all,
sheesh.
In this enchanted land there were the Pig Brothers, Ivar,
Balthazar and Pete. They went out into the Big World to find their fortunes.
A pig doesn't need much in the way of fortune, just a mud wallow and some
acorns, maybe a nice post to rub up against. Pigs have a pretty low Fortune
Threshold. They also needed houses, they were talking pigs and all. "We need
houses, seeing we are talking pigs and all," they said. If you talk, you
need a house. Or at least a nice apartment. That's pretty much a rule.
The Pig Brothers could have built one big house. Shared
labor and conserved resources and all that. But they had lived together all
their piggy lives, and enough is enough.
The first pig, Ivar, built a house of straw. He was a pig,
a species not noted for their building ability, not having a thumb among
other things, and he was working with a pile of straw. Let's just say his
house didn't come up to code. His house didn't come up to Morse Code.
That's how well it was built.
When the Wolf came along, it didn't take a lot of work
to get at the pig. Ivar-on-Toast in six minutes. A new World Record! The
crowd went wild!
The second pig, Balthazar, built his house out of sticks.
Not noticably more stable than the late Ivar's house. With similar results.
Only instead of knocking the house down, the Wolf had another plan. This
was a Wolf not suffering from Planner's Block.
"Hey pig!" called the Wolf.
"Yes?" answered Balthazar.
"Stick this in your mouth" said the Wolf, tossing an apple
through the window.
"OK." said the pig. Pigs really aren't all that smart.
And the Wolf burned down the house with Balthazar still
inside, while the Wolf sang Don Ho songs. Roast pig for dinner. Or as the
French say "Le Oink De Flambeaux."
The third pig had contractors show up and build his house
out of bricks. Wolfproof, fireproof bricks. A very nice house indeed.
When the Wolf showed up, he knocked on the door.
"Who iiiiissss iiiitttt?" called the pig.
"It's me, the Wolf, open up!"
"No way, man!" said the pig.
"Why the hell not?" asked the Wolf.
"You just want to eat me."
"You self-centered bastard!" cried the Wolf. "Every time
you see a wolf, it's the same thing. 'Oh, he must want to eat me' you think.
Well, I'll have you know not all wolves are the same! No! Some of us are
nice, peaceful, friendly people. Maybe I just wanted to welcome you to the
neighborhood. Ever think of that Mr. Smartypants-Pig? No? I didn't think
so. Or maybe I just wanted to sell you some coupon books to support the band.
Did that cross your little piggy mind? Hmmm? I come over and you just
naturally think I want to eat you. I am shocked. Outraged, in fact!
This is species-ism! And you are nothing but a stinking bigot!"
Not wanting to be thought ill of, the pig came out. The
wolf ate him.
This could be the end of the story. For the Pig Brothers,
it is the end. For the Wolf, things got complicated. All his Wolf friends
shunned him after the last pig. The misrepresentation was too much. It lacked
honor. It lack decency. It went against the Wolf Code. It's OK to eat pigs,
just don't be a sneak about it.
Posted 8/13/01