How Do You Become a Moderator : TVeblen
by Fenris
On a rainy night, in a large American city, a newsgirl was selling papers. To protect her secret identity, we will call her 'Sally'.
"Wuxtry! Wuxtry! Read all about it!" cried 'Sally' as she tried to sell her last papers. A few more pennies were all it would take for her to buy a crust of bread. 'Sally' was, of course, a poor-but-honest newsgirl!
Suddenly a strange figure appeared from a boarded-up subway station. "Follow me!" he said.
"Are you out of your mind? I'm not gonna follow a creep in a trenchcoat into a deserted subway. Now get lost before I call the cops!" "Sally" was poor-but-honest, true, but she was also no fool.
The strange figure gestured magically and Sally found her legs moving without her control. She was marched into the subway station, and a futuristic railroad car arrived. She marched in and, as the doors closed, regained control of her legs.
"Great. It's not just a perv. It's a rich perv, if he can afford his own subway car." 'Sally' wasn't comforted by this thought.
The train stopped and the doors opened into a dark tunnel lit by flickering torches. Each torch was in front of a squat, tiki-like statue. An art-deco font above the statues said "The Seven Deadly Trolls of Mankind". The first was Tyler, who squatted, hand desperately trying to protect his crotch...She traveled down the corridor looking at the other statues.
At the end of a tunnel was a room. On a throne, beneath a huge block of marble which was suspended by a thread, sat an old man.
"The Wizard TVeblen am I! Long these years have I sought someone like you."
"Bad, your syntax is." said 'Sally' a trifle crankily "Get to the point old man."
"Though perhaps a trifle less acerbic." the Wizard muttered.
"You try being a poor-but-honest newsgirl in a major metropolitan city who gets kidnapped by a perv in a trenchcoat and see how sunny your disposition is." She responded.
"True. Nevertheless, it's time to pass on my Moderator powers and I've chosen you. Here's the Gods who's powers I've borrowed to give to you. We'll start with Tyr for his warlike nature"
"Wait a sec. Tyr got his hand bitten off by Fenris. From what I understand, once I become a Mod, he's gonna be writing my bio. That's bad enough. Nope. Try again."
The wizard blinked. "Um...hmmm...what if I forgo the hand-biting thing?"
"Nope. No deal."
"How 'bout Thalia: Muse of Comedy and idyllic poetry"
"She's not a Goddess, she's a muse...but, ok. What else do you have to offer?"
"Venus: For her beauty"
"What? You saying I'm not beautiful? That what you're saying? Do my looks amuse you?"
"Perhaps Victoria? Roman name for Nike, Goddess of Victory?"
"Damned straight it would. 'Beauty'" she snorted
The old wizard hesitated "I was going to suggest Echo for her devotion...?"
"Great. I get to have the ability to be an obsessive ninny who dies over some pretty-boy twerp. You just don't get it old man. How 'bout Erzulie: Voodoo Love Goddess. Controls elemental forces. Lives in fabulous wealth provided by her multiple husbands?"
The old wizard blushed "I don't know. It sounds kind of racey..."
'Sally' replied "She had a great song in the musical ONCE ON THIS ISLAND."
He nodded. "Well, if she was in a musical I'm sure she's fine. The next is easy: Brigit, for poetry, fire, fertility and, cattle. The last one will be good for dealing with trolls. So will fire. Poetry will just be useful overall."
"We're going a little overboard on the poetry stuff. We might want to rethink that whole "T" thing. But Brigit's fine. Next?"
"Loki for his tricky and mischievous nature."
'Sally' made a so-so gesture with her hand. "It's ok, but is it me? What do you say about Lilith."
"Absolutely not. She's simply not suitable. Besides, I had an unhappy affair with her and we're not speaking. I've got it! Lachesis. One of the fates: Spins the destinies of humankind"
"I like it! Next?"
"I'm not sure. We ran out of "E"s, although, given this conversation, Eris seems extraordinarily appropriate."
"Now-now. Let's not pout. Hmmm...Erda? Germanic Earth Goddess? Gets the whole Norse pantheon back in?"
"Fine. And finally Nemesis, Goddess of Vengeance. Any problems with that?"
"No. But let's look at that 'T' one again. A muse is pretty lame after all. What about Themis? She's a Titan, controls Laws, Justice and Hospitality. Pretty appropriate for a mod? Am I right?"
The wizard nodded. So we've got:
Themis
Victoria
Erzulie
Brigit
Lachesis
Erda
Nemesis
Right?"
"Yup."
"Then speak my name, lass"
'Sally' yelled "TVeblen!" A bolt of lighting struck her, changing her into TVeblen, The World's Mightiest Mod.
During the lighting strike, the block of marble fell on the old wizard. His ghost said "Get to Mod headquarters. Tuba and Lynn are expecting you. And" he grinned "if you're this tough with me, you'll be great in the war against ignorance." He faded away.
Posted 1/23/01