How Do You Become a Moderator : Eutychus
by Fenris
Sgt Euty and his Howling Commando
In
Lo! There Shall Come A Mod!
Smoke drifted across the battlefield. Most of his squad was missing, but tough-as-nails Sgt. Euty pushed his helmet back on his head and surveyed the wreckage as his second in command, Bobo Bazooka said "I dunno, Sarge. I didn't think it'd be this hard to get th' info ta H.Q."
Striking a match on his five o'clock shadow, Sgt Euty lit a stogie and said "Nobody said it'd be easy, Bobo. When yer fightin' the forces o' ignorance, ya gotta expect some resistance."
He sat back, took a puff of his cigar and said "Them two wimmen are everything we're fightin' against. They make snap judgements wit'out hearin th' facts. They repeat urban legends wit'out checkin' 'em first. They even keep doin' columns about how 'one vote' made the difference on a bunch o' elections. And they know better. Abiee and Anne gotta be stopped."
Turning to Bobo, he waved an envelope. "This is th' thing that'll do it. It can win us th' war! All we gotta do is get it ta Cecil. Now c'mon you ape! Ya wanna live ferever?" And with that, he picked up his rifle and charged forward, Bobo following only seconds behind, inspired by his leader's words.
The battle was a red haze around Sgt. Euty, but he pressed onward, onward knowing that the contents of the envelope was more important to than any one person.
He looked briefly over his shoulder to see if Bobo had kept up with him. His trusted friend, Bobo said "Sorry Sarge." and with that, he slammed his huge fist into Fightin' Sgt. Euty's jaw. Then...all was blackness.
When Euty awoke, he was tied to a pole. Bobo was huddled in a corner, his head down, eyes haunted by guilt. "I hadda do it Sarge! I hadda! They got my Mother hostage and tol' me if I don't turn ya over ta them, they'd give 'er..."
"...fifty lashes with a wet noodle!" cackled Abiee
"I understand, Bobo" said Euty, sadly.
"Open the envelope sister! Open it! It contains the ultimate weapon! The third common word that ends in GRY" chortled Anne "With it, we'll be able to rule the world!"
Abiee took one of her razor sharp fingernails and slit the envelope. A small piece of paper drifted out. A small scuffle ensued as the two crones struggled for the paper. Anne won.
"It says...It says the last word is 'Gry'? What kind of word is 'GRY'?" shrieked Anne. She pointed a withered finger at Bobo. "This was a setup to distract us from the real battle! You did this. You'll pay!" and pulled a nearby lever. An icy blue liquid splashed on Bobo, freezing him instantly, like a quiescently frozen confection. "And you're next, Sargent. We've had enough of your meddling."
Moving with lightning speed, Euty strained and broke free of his bonds. He shoved the lever to full, causing the freezing liquid to splash wildly across the room. He opened up a trap-door he'd seen and dove in as Abiee and Anne were frozen harder than Walt Disney wasn't.
Euty had a moment to look at the tiny root cellar he was in before the cold seeped into the room with him and he knew nothing more.
The next thing he heard was bickering, faintly in the distance.
"...can't be the place"
"I told you already, Coldie! Number One, Cecil said it was." There was a series of loud noises. The voices were much clearer afterwards "Number two, how many Icebergs do you find in a battlefield?"
"Lots, up north!"
"We're not up North! Just a sec..."
There was a tremedous crashing noise. A fist, smelling vaguely of beer punched through the ceiling. The remaining boards were torn off, and Sargent Euty was helped out of the cellar.
"Hi! My name's Uncle Beer, and this guy's Coldfire. You fought for Cecil back in the big war, right?"
"Whaddaya mean, 'back'?" asked Euty
"Um..." Said Coldfire "It's been a while"
Out of the shadows, stepped Lynn and Tuba, Cecil's Angels.
Lynn introduced herself and explained that Euty had been trapped under that quiescently frozen confection for years, the cold keeping him in suspended animation. "Abiee and Anne lived through it, but their power was weakened to the point that now they're simply kept around for their amusement value. Almost no one under 60 takes either of them seriously, though they still vector urban legends. Cecil was able to discover what had happened and sent us to rescue you. Cecil doesn't leave people behind."
Tuba added "We know you've fought for Cecil before...and it's a lot to ask, but we need a mod for the busiest of all Forums: MPSIMS. We think you'd be a good influence on these two." She gestured at Coldfire and Uncle Beer who were engaged in a quiescently frozen confection-ball fight.
Sargent Euty thought for a moment "Ma'm, if the fight against ignorance is still on, I wanna be on th' front lines. Count me in!"
And so, a mod was born!
Posted 1/17/01