How Do You Become a Moderator : UncleBeer
by Fenris
(Caption) Not to long ago, in a major metropolitan city, an experiment was going awry.
Scientist: This dimensional portal isn't working right. N-hey. Laaaady!
Glowing hole in the air appears behind the scientist.
(Steve Ditko-esque panel showing pathways to nowhere floating in space, giant poison-dripping fangs floating around. That sort of thing. A menacing thing with entirely too many tentacles begins to slink towards the portal)
Scientist: I'll have a beer. That'll calm my nerves and relax me.
He gets a beer, and turns back towards the portal, just as the thing darts out. It hits the beer-can in the scientist's hand and merges with it. The force of the impact causes the beer can to fly out the window.
Next scene:
The Man-Who-Would-Become-Uncle-Beer is strolling along when the now-mystically imbued beer-can comes plummeting down on his head.
Not-Yet-Uncle-Beer: Holding his head <string of horrible expletives deleted> ...th' hell?!
He spots the beer can, the cursing stops at once: Oh. Nevermind.
He opens the can and drinks the beer, not noticing it's eldrich glow.
Uncle Beer: I feel...different. Stronger! Great taste! Less Filling! I HAVE ALL THE POWERS OF A CAN OF BEER!
A wandering goat, in the confusion has started nibbling on Uncle Beer's trousers.
Uncle Beer: Aaaa! Get off me, Goat!
Uncle Beer reflexively kicks his leg, but, not remembering his new-found Beer powers, accidentally sends the goat flying over the horizon.
Uncle Beer: I didn't mean...I'm responsible...That Poor Goat! I swear that from now on, I wlll always remember that with Great Beer comes Great Responsiblity. I must always remember to use these tremendous powers only for GOOD!
Bodini-Babe and Tuba-Diva fly up, capes fluttering in the wind.
Bodini-Babe: I thought I heard an origin! We are members of the Cecil Brigade! We are dedicated to stamping out ignorance everywhere!
Tuba-Diva: Will you join us in our crusade as a Moderator and use your powers to squash trolls, move topics to the right place, and occasionally make witty, sarcastic remarks?
Uncle Beer: (in a serious voice): I will.
And so it was, True Believer. Face Front and Excelsior!
(Historical note: Uncle Beer's origin above, is very...(ahem)VERY similar to Bouncing Boy's from the Legion of Super-Heroes. I draw no conclusions)
Posted 1/16/01