Breast Stroke
by Nostradamus
Cheltenham is a pleasant Spa town in Gloucestershire where, in times gone by, some people took the waters whilst others took anything that wasn't nailed down.
Nowadays most areas of Cheltenham have hot and cold running water usually, so the Tourist Board has been forced to offer alternative attractions to entice the visitor, such as Cream Teas, Clothes Shops and the Cotswold Hills.
In October each year Cheltenham hosts a Literary Festival which is second only to the one at Hay-on-Wye in terms of books. There is also a National Hunt Racing Festival in March, for which riotous occasion the management of the Queen's Hotel puts away the best furniture and prepares to accommodate large numbers of boisterous racegoers and the Queen Mother.
This venerable lady, often accused of being a coffin dodger but not by me, is partial to a few gins prior to an afternoon at the track. Until her infirmities began to tell heavily on her ability to deal from the bottom, she could often be seen at the bar of the Queen's playing 3 Card Brag (Deuces & Queens Wild) with a bunch of Irish Priests who made Father Ted look like the Archbishop of Canterbury. (The current Archbishop has agreed to be put down at the end of the year so we'll be needing another one. I don't think I'll bother applying this time).
Leaving the Queen's Hotel and heading for the racecourse, it's possible to plan a route which takes in a branch of Marks & Spencer on the High Street, where a couple of months ago I happened to find myself in Ladies Lingerie fondling a camisole (Black, Size 10, but they did have others). As I was admiring the cut of this fine garment, trying to imagine how it would look on the German Supermodel Heidi Klumm, a Woman whom I wish to meet as a matter of urgency, I couldn't help but notice a sign above the Payment Desk which bore the legend: Bra Fitting Assistant Required To Work In Happy Team. Excellent Rates Of Pay. Apply At Customer Serv.....
During the 5 seconds it took me to slide down the bannister to Customer Services and grab six application forms, I was able to formulate a Master Plan for securing this important role in the M&S Brassiere Hierarchy. Regrettably the forms proved unsuitable for my purpose requiring, as they did, a significant number of Whopping Great Lies on my part if I was to use them in support of my multiple applications to fit Supports on an unspecified number of Breasts. I therefore decided to send M&S a letter outlining my credentials for the vacancy, as follows (The precise address of the store has been omitted for reasons of confidentiality).
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With reference to your opening for a Bra Fitting Assistant, I humbly submit my application hereunderneath.
Since the onset of my own personal adolescence, a distressingly long and sexually fallow period from which I did not emerge entirely unscathed, it has been my life's ambition to work with Breasts (Female). I was born to do this job. It's my vocation. When God, or Darwin (who cares?) was handing out curriculum vitae to Life's High Flyers, He may well have boomed:
Cromwell? You are destined to be Lord Protector but with warts.
Napoleon? You will be a Great Emperor, albeit too short for your weight.
Beethoven? You will achieve fulfilment as a Noted Composer of Music. Beethoven? Beethoven? Hello?
Nostradamus? You've got Bra Fitting, but your potential will never be realised.
Edward II? You will be a King of England, but.....Oh, never mind.
Scrutinising the details of your vacancy, I now feel that my Moment of Destiny has arrived. My long apprenticeship and 'on the job' experience in the field of Bra Removals (sorry no cite) can be put to effective use in the service of Marks & Spencer plc (Cheltenham: Brassieres). Like the poacher turned gamekeeper, the safe cracker turned locksmith and the ex-con turned policeman, I wish to 'go straight' and devote the rest of my life to Good Works and putting Bras on Women rather than the other way round.
In preparation for this Moment (of Destiny) I have taken great care to ensure that my Hands have steered themselves away from any manual labour in order to preserve their suppleness and pliancy. My Fingers are soft yet firm, strong yet slender and short yet long, with a sleight of Hand which has been variously described as:
lighter than the wings of a butterfly resting on the silken Thigh of a Vestal Virgin's Leg (sorry no cite)
and
lighter than a warm breath of wind floating gently past a nymphet's Nipple (sorry no cite for that one either).
Both my Hands are subject to a nightly regime of anointment with the Spanish beauty product Oil of Ole and their feel has to be physically felt to be truly appreciated.
(Spain has been a good ally of this country over the years, providing us with Oil of Ole and Spanish Fly as well as the Spanish Armadillo which was sent over here by Philip II in 1588 but unfortunately sunk).
While the position you advertise is that of Assistant, I can see myself rising to the occasion as I imagine the limitless possibilities soon to be coming. I do not lack ambition. My goal is to become Top Banana in Brassieres, personally handling all customer requirements at your store. My only demand, a piffling one in the Macrocosm of Brassiereville, capital of Congo, is that I be given first pick of all the Lady Customers who need a 'hands-on' service.
I am also a devotee of Management By Collective Input, so here are the bullet points of my Business Plan for the next fiscal year:
This unique five point plan will ensure that M&S becomes the Bra Fitting Mecca of Cheltenham (and district). There is a busy time ahead for all of us, especially me, so I strongly recommend that you review your carparking facilities at the rear of the store. My specially commissioned Architect's Report highlights the desirability of demolishing the Food Hall to provide the extra spaces, but please remember that sacrifices will have to be made by you in order for me to satisfy myself.
I look forward to commencing my employment with you as soon as possible (next Monday) so if I don't hear from you by return of post I will present myself for work at 9am sharp. In so advising you, I must add that I am far from satisfied with your performance of Director (Brassieres) at the Cheltenham store. You have spurned many opportunities to uplift Bra Fitting within the Corporate Portfolio, and I require you to have your comments on the new Business Plan in writing on my desk when I arrive.
Yours faithfully, etc.
PS. Fingers crossed, eh?
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Regrettably I was unable to meet the Monday start date due to an unexpected appearance in Court. I think my chance may have gone now. Despite calling M&S every day since then, sometimes more than once, in an effort to help them process my application, there has been a Deafening Silence from Brassieres. I am now at the crossroads of a dilemma. As I see things, I could:
I am actually quite annoyed about all this. I have always considered that a letter sent in support of a job application demands a reply, even if it's only Your letter has been filed for reference and you will be notified if a suitable position should arise in the future. Thank you for your interest in Women's Breasts.
Please join me in total condemnation of the inadequate administrative procedures at M&S (Cheltenham: Brassieres) whereby letters are not granted the common courtesy of a prompt reply.
I had always believed that a half-empty Cup was half-full in quantity, but now that Cup and its contents have been cruelly dashed from my lips.
It was ever thus.
Posted 1/10/02