Charles Darwin - Complete Bastard Or What?
by Nostradamus
Author's note: My last contribution to this forum came in for some criticism for its lack of vitriol. I have tried to rectify this by the cunning insertion of obscenities here and there. These obscenities have been italicised so that readers who enjoy undiluted profanity can ignore everything else and just read the italicised bits.
I trust that all insertions prove satisfying for all concerned.
In many ways, or even more than many sometimes, Man has been totally let down by the failure of Darwinian Evolutionary Theory to find a practical solution to the vexed question of Unpleasant Bodily Functions.
Fuck you Darwin.
Now, I realise that none of us would be here at all if it wasn't for Darwin and I suppose we must be grateful for that. However it's difficult to resist applying 21st century expectations to 19th century inventions so, since resistance is often useless, let's not bother with it.
Having said that, it's only fair to say this. Bodily Functions have been a constant source of academic probing and unhealthy curiosity in these forums ever since I started reading them, and hopefully even before that.
Shit.
Furthermore, my research into such arcane subjects as Scatology and its associated disciplines in the fight against ignorance is bliss. Butt, and this is a big butt, the experience has not left me completely unmoved. Scatology, as any wordsmith will tell you, is not the study of misspelled cats. Oh no. It is the scientific study of excrement, often fossilised but sometimes not, depending upon how fresh it is.
Once upon a time I was content to merely scratch the surface of excremental matter, picking up very little in so doing. I now find myself delving ever more deeply into Bottomless Pits, exhuming untold treasures in search of vital nuggets which, when released into the fresh air, may allow us all to take the matter in hand and scrutinise it more closely than is good for us.
Felch.
Anyway, lying in bed recently next to a Sleeping Woman, I could not help but be struck by Darwin's lack of success in preventing the soft palate from vibrating so loudly in the middle of the night that it can drive a sane man absolutely barmy.
You bastard, Darwin. You spent all that time writing The Origin Of Speeches when you could have rid the world of Snoring People.
This is not to say that Sleeping Woman was snoring because that would be ungallant, even if it is true without a word of a lie, honestly. However there were only four people in the bed at the time of the incident and three of us were awake playing Nude Strip Poke Her as far as I can remember, which is not very far actually.
Bollock naked.
Of course, some vibrations en lit are permissible, nay desirable, if the orgasmic moaning type noises coming from recipients of vibratory pleasures are to be believed. Sadly, I myself have never experienced the indescribable frisson of excitement which can result from the judicious manipulation of an electrically powered phallus. Well, not recently anyway.
This is mainly due to an irrational fear that the device will once again unexpectedly take off and lodge itself in a remote and inaccessible part of my body, thus necessitating yet another visit to an ER facility and yet another innovative explanation as to how it got where it did, having regard to initial velocity, subsequent trajectory and the rest of Newton's Laws including the one about Motions.
Piss off Darwin.
On a technical note, if this does happen (probably due to a programming error) disconnect the equipment from the mains supply without further ado. Moisture and electricity is a recipe for electrocution and nobody wants that, unless they have committed First Degree Murder in a locality where the Death Penalty by Chair remains a popular choice for Execution.
Of course, all this is really beside the point. What is not beside the point, and is in fact probably nowhere near it, is that vibrations from the soft palate are in an altogether different kettle of fish. Snoring is one of the Curses of the Modern Bedtime, the other Curse being The Curse itself, but snoring is a lot louder although not quite as Red so you don't have to keep washing the sheets all the time.
Fucking hell.
Annoyingly in my view, Snoring has its origins in 14th century Germany or Holland where the word snorken was first coined. What they used to do in bed over there before snorken was invented is open to debate, but not much of a debate if I'm Frank.
What is known about Snoring is that it happens when the air flow is restricted through the Rear Passages of the mouth and nose concurrently on exhalation through them at the same time as each other. This is not in dispute by Scientists and me, both of whom have conducted a thorough analysis of air flow in the Head.
The victim of a Snorer is often tempted to wake the Offender and whip them, off for a quick examination by a qualified otolaryngologist followed by an operation such as Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty (UPPP) or Thermal Ablation Palatoplasty (TAP) or Uvulopaloplasty Surgery (UPS, which offers a convenient 10am Next Day service). This course of action is always premature. Instead, the victim should keep a cool head and a list of aides-memoire for future reference.
Merde (French profanity)
I am ever anxious to discharge my obligations as a member of this message board who has wide experience of many subjects. Unfortunately my knowledge base is extremely lacking in content and quality so I am unable to achieve this worthy objective without posting a certain amount of bullshit.
Here's hoping that this Troubleshooting Guide to Female Snoring proves useful to all members. If not, well, fuck it.
Posted 12/30/01