Cereal Celebrities : The Real Story
by ladyfoxfyre
We all know who they are. They spend their lives promoting the sugary cereal we buy for our children. But I'll bet no one really understands what they're like behind the mask.
Man, I do feel bad for them sometimes. I can't imagine the pain in their lives that we would discover if we only took the time to ask.
I mean, look at Tony the Tiger. I'm sure his life isn't Grrrreat. Hung up on his attempt to be a stereotypical male, he pumps himself full of sugar-coated cereal to "fit in". Look at those muscles. That just screams of insecurity. I'll bet he's secretly gay.
And there's the little leprechaun from Lucky Charms. What's his name again? Lucky? All I remember about him is feeling his pain. Why does everyone keep stealing his cereal? What did he do to these messed up children to warrant the theft of his only pride and joy in every single commercial?He's not as lucky as we think he is.
Silly rabbit, Tricks are for kids!
Maybe he just wants to be one of the "in" crowd. I can understand that. He just wants you to love him. And instead you taunt him with your fruity goodness, and then snatch it away from his expectant grasp. You hurtful, horrible little brats.
Then there's the Cocoa Puffs bird, who gets happy whenever he eats them. Something tells me he's under the influence of some other derivative of the Cacao plant.....
This is the message we're sending to our children. Eat a chocolaty cereal. Come on, everyone's doing it. No little Tommy, everyone's not doing it. And you have the power to say no.
Speaking of birds, what about Tucan Sam? Why can't we leave him alone, just for a minute, to finish his meal? No, it's always "Tucan Sam! Give me some of your cereal!". Let the bird be. All he wants to do is eat in peace, without mannerless children pestering him, following him into the desert, the rainforest, Antarctica, Christmas dinner, trying to get at a bit of his food. I blame the parents.
Cheerios. That most simplistic of cereals, but full of traditional yummyness. But no one believes Buzzbee that its taste is packed with delicious honey flavor. This has to kill his self esteem. Everyone thinks that what he says is a lie. I think the poor bee must be suicidal after this many years of rejection.
Ever eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Do you really take the time to think about the baker who adds cinnamon and sugar to every bite? Do you look at the swirls? Do you?
I'm sure there are many more. Next time you see one of their commercials, I hope you really think about what they go through to make your mornings brighter. If not, I wish a pox on all of you.
All of you.
Posted 1/5/02