The Secret Origin of Spam E-Mails

by Fenris

3:1
Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, "Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not replyth to any e-mail, save from those that thou knowest"?

3:2
And the woman said unto the serpent, "We may reply to any e-mail of persons and personages that we know:

3:3
But of the strange, and the unsolicited we shall not touch, lest we violate the T&Cs."

3:4
And the serpent said unto the woman, "Ye shall not surely voilate the T&Cs!"

3:5
But the woman, being no dummy said "Bull. Get Ye lost, snake!" and strolleth off the snake did.

3:6
"And yet" thought the serpent "There are possiblities here..." and his crafty mind set to work

3:7
And it so it was, the next morning that the woman saw a message appear on the terminal screen near the tree: "UNCONTROLLED TEENAGE SEXXXXX NYMPHOS!" it promised

3:8
But the woman said "My husband Adam is my perfect mate. What need have I for UNCONTROLLED TEENAGE SEXXXX NYMPHOS?" and deleteth she the infernal message, unopened.

3:9
The nexth dayth, the woman returned only to find another message: "MAKE MONEY FAST!!!!!!!!!!"

3:10
But again the woman proved wise as she said "What needth I of money? The LORD provideth for me." and again deleted the message.

3:11
"Cursssssseth! Foiled again!" hissed the Serpent.

3:12
The Snake trieth for several days: "POTENT ERECTION CREME!", "LIVE FOREVER WITH MAGIC MAGNET RINGS!", "THE HOLY-WOOD APPLE DIET! LOSE #####s NOW!" But the woman boughteth none of that bad shit.

3:13
Then the snake, in the pits of dispair had an idea that raiseth him higher than THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY!

3:14
And it was on the very nexteth day that the woman found the followingth message:

REQUEST FOR AN URGENT ASSISTANCE:

And with no little trepidation, the woman openeth the message.

3:14.5
LADYMARYAM ABACHA
ABACHA COURT
GIDADO ROAD
KANO - NIGERIA

DEAR THE WOMAN: EVE,

I AM LADY MARYAM ABACHA, WIFE OF LATE GENERAL SANI ABACHA, EX-MILITARY HEAD OF STATE OF NIGERIA WHO DIED ON THE 8TH OF JUNE 1998 OF HEART PROBLEMS. I CONTACTED YOU BECAUSE OF MY NEED TO DEAL WITH PERSONS WHOM MY FAMILY AND I HAVE HAD NO PREVIOUS PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.

SINCE THE DEATH OF MY HUSBAND, MY FAMILY HAS BEEN SUBJECTED TO ALL SORTS OF HARASSMENT AND INTIMIDATION WITH LOTS OF NEGATIVE REPORTS EMANATING FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND THE PRESS ABOUT MY HUSBAND. THE PRESENT GOVERNMENT HAS ALSO ENSURED THAT OUR BANK ACCOUNTS ARE FROZEN AND ALL ASSETS SEIZED.

IT IS IN VIEW OF THIS, THAT I SEEK YOUR CO-OPERATION AND ASSISTANCE IN THE TRANSFER OF THE SUM OF ONE OR SEVERAL APPLES, BEING THAT THE VERY LAST OF MY FAMILY FUND IN MY POSSESSION AND CONTROL IS GONE.

THE FEDERAL GOVERNEMENT SEIZED ALL OUR PROPERTIES AND FROZE ALL OUR ACCOUNTS BOTH LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL AFTER THE DEATH OF MY HUSBAND, BUT MY ONLY HOPE NOW IS THAT YOU SEND US FRUIT OF YOUR GARDEN TO EAT, ESPECIALLY THE APPLES!

IF YOU CARE IF YOU ARE WILLING TO HELP, PLEASE EAT OF ONE APPLE TO INSURE THEIR GOODNESS, THAT THERE BE NO INSECT INFESTATIONS THAT WOULD CAUSE CALIFORNIA TO REJECT THEIR SHIPMENT, THEN PACK SEVERAL MORE, THAT WE MAY EAT OF THEM AND STAY ALIVE!

MEANWHILE, OUR INTENTION IS TO COME TO YOUR COUNTRY BASED ON YOUR ADVICE AND PLEASE ENSURE TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL VERY SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL FOR OBVIOUS REASONS AND SEND TO US YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE/FACSIMILE NUMBER AND PASSWORD INFORMATION FOR EASY AND CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION.

PLEASE TREAT THIS AS A FORM OF HUMANITARIAN SERVICE BECAUSE WE ARE IN DIRE NEED OF YOUR HELP.

PLEASE LET US KNOW THAT HELP IS ON THE WAY!

WE AWAIT YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE.

SINCERELY,

LADY MARYAM ABACHA

3:15
And The woman's heart was touched by this letter. And she called her husband over and he too read the letter and his heart too was touched. Together they sampled an apple and finding that it was good, composed a brief reply proclaimthing that the apples would be senteth by FedEx the very next day! And together they presseth ENTER to send. And they did sendeth it! And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked, their e-mail account laid bare and thousands and thousands of SPAM MESSAGES flowed in from across the world to their e-mail account!

3:16
And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, "What is up with thou? I tried to e-mail you, but your mailbox is full! From whence these messages?"

3:17
And the man said, "My mailbox is full because I am being deluged with SEXXXX KITTENS and MAKE $$$$$ FAST and POTENT ERECTION CREAM and ENLARGE YOUR SKINNY TITTIES messages! I was afraid, because my account is naked before the net; and I hid myself."

3:18
And HE said, "Who told them of thy e-mail account? How knowest they that it is active? Hast thou replied to spam, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not reply? "

3:19
And the man said, "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she showed me the message of the poor Nigerian lady..."

3:20
And the LORD God said unto the woman, "What is this that thou hast done?" And the woman said, "The serpent beguiled me, and we did reply."

3:21
"FOOLS!" cried THE LORD "Knowest not that the Nigerian Scam is the oldesth in the book? And besides, there isth no-one in Nigeria! It hasn't been inventedth yet!" And the man and woman wepth as they realized that they were, indeed fools.

3:22
And the LORD God said unto the serpent, "Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all newbies, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: I name thee "Spammer"

3:23
And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel. And all men and women will hate and flame thee."

3:24
And the snake said "I can live with that." and slithered off.

3:25
Unto the woman he said, "Thou wilt be condemned to delete spam for the rest of thine days. And thy nights will be filled forever emptying thine e-mail accounts unto that day when spam-filters are invented. And even then, some will still get through!"

3:26
And unto Adam he said, "Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast replied to the spam, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not reply to it: cursed art thou; in sorrow shalt thou read of it all the days of thy life;

3:27
Thine days of free T3 access are goneth like the wind. Now thou shalt only have dial up. And it shalt not even have a flat fee; thou must haveth an hourly rate!

3:28
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return as thou tryeth to earn enough to pay for access. "

3:29
So he drove out the man and the woman; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden a IP-filter, and a flaming firewall which turned every way, to keep the way of the ISP of life.