A Very Cthulhu Christmas

by Fenris

A presentation for the network execs at N.B.C. and the SDMB

Ok, folks! I've managed to secure the rights to the classic Christmas story Little Timmy Cthulhu's Christmas Miracle! The author, a noted recluse fired a shotgun through my contract when I tried to get him to sign...our legal department says the shot-holes are binding!

It's a high-budget concept and I've got the preliminary cut done! Fred, can you start the VCR? Thanks guy!

< tape rolls >

:: Bouncy Music, vaguely reminiscent of "Sleigh Bells" ::

In a happy font:

A VERY CTHULHU CHRISTMAS!

Starring
(in No Particular Order)
Tim Conway
Donnie and Marie
Harvey Korman
Charro
Don Knotts
Foreigner
Kermit de Frog and the rest of the Muppets < Kermit voiceover>: YAAAAAAAAY!

Also Starring
Gary Coleman as The Christmas Angel
Linda Lavin as Little Timmy's THING THAT SPAWNED HIM
The Daggit from Battlestar Galactica as the Puppy
The Voice of James Earl Jones as SHUB-NIGGURATH

With
Neil Patrick Harris as Little Timmy Cthulhu

And Very Special Guest Stars
Joe Namath as Himself
Kim "Tootie" Fields as Sugarplum Mary the Christmas Spirit

< Long shot of a lower class urban area. Camera (helicopter mounted) zooms in on one particular buiding. It zooms through an open window, blows past some slightly worn curtains and focuses on a front door. It opens and LITTLE TIMMY CTHULHU oozes in. Remember, one of his tentacles is missing, so he's got a crutch! The crutch is broken, held together with duct-tape. His jacket and coat are tattered and patched, and a bandage is wrapped around one of his pseudopods. >

LITTLE TIMMY CTHULHU: Hi THING-THAT-SPAWNED-ME! I'm home!

<laugh track, 2 sec>

THING-THAT-SPAWNED: Why Timmy! Look at your pseudopod! Have you been fighting again?

LITTLE TIMMY: I had to, THING-THAT-SPAWNED-ME. Jimmy Yog-Soggoth took half of my lunch!

THING-THAT-SPAWNED: And you had to fight him to get it back?

LITTLE TIMMY: NO! He wouldn't take the other half!

<rimshot, laugh track, 4 sec intermixed with groans>

LITTLE TIMMY: THING-THAT-SPAWNED! Do you think SHUB-NIGGURATH will bring me a puppy for Christmas! I've written 10 times!

< voice-over. THING-THAT-SPAWNED must give a pitying look to LITTLE TIMMY > THING-THAT-SPAWNED: Well, I don't know what we're going to do! We don't have enough money to buy him a puppy AND fix his crutches. I'm afraid that this won't be a merry Christmas for LITTLE TIMMY.

< speaking to LITTLE TIMMY >

THING-THAT-SPAWNED: I don't know LITTLE TIMMY. Sometimes Santa brings things you need, not things you want.

LITTLE TIMMY < he understands what she's trying to say...shouts > : I'M NOT GONNA GET MY PUPPY, AM I?! THIS IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER! I HATE YOU AND I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN SPAWNED!

LITTLE TIMMY rushes off to his bedroom and slams the door shut.

< audience effect:AAAAAWWWWW >

THING-THAT-SPAWNED (sings):
What's a THING to do?
When her spawn is feeling blue?
Because of Yog-Soggoth
His mood is kind of off.
His puppy he won't find
Wrapped in bows and twine
Underneath the tree
Right there for him to see
He'll be so sad and blue
So what's a THING TO DOOoooooo?

< commercial break >

< end commercial break >

< in LITTLE TIMMY'S ROOM. He's now wearing pajamas and he's got a pentagram on the floor and is happily summoning images of the most horrible things in creation >

Images of Donnie and Marie appear and begin singing

I'm a little bit Old One
I'm a little bit Elder God
I'm a little of Thing on The Doorstep
I'm a little Space Color, very odd
I know that I devour souls
I kill with my pseudopods
I'm a little bit Old One
I'm a little bit Elder God

< they fade out, LITTLE TIMMY shrugs all of his shoulders>

< Voice of THING-THAT-SPAWNED from offstage >
THING-THAT-SPAWNED: TIMMY! Time to turn that off and go to your sleeping nodule!

LITTLE TIMMY < mutters > : Go to bed. Th' other Elder Gods get to stay UP on Christmas Eve. I meant it. I wish I'd never been spawned.

< Turns off light, but a blue glow appears. It floats about the room and with a flash!! The CHRISTMAS ANGEL (Played by Gary Coleman) is standing on LITTLE TIMMY's bed >

Christmas Angel: Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout, Li'l Timmy?

< audience effect: Cheers and applause, 4 sec >

LITTLE TIMMY: I...I can't believe my eye-stalks! You...you're an ANGEL!

Christmas Angel: Thas right! And I heard you wish you were never born! Do you know what life would be like if you were never SPAWNED?

LITTLE TIMMY: I...I...

Christmas Angel: You made a Christmas wish and they ALWAYS come true. Now I'm going to introduce you to some very special people and they'll show you what the consequences of your selfish wish are!

< special effect: fade out to swirling colors, LITTLE TIMMY spinning the opposite direction >

< LITTLE TIMMY, still in pajamas is standing on a patch of grass next to a large brick building. Raucous music is playing inside the building >

LITTLE TIMMY: Where...where AM I?

The Ghost of Christmas Past (played by Don Knotts): You're in a past-that-never was! If you weren't spawned this is what your THING-THAT-SPAWNED's life would have been like, 8 years ago!

< audience effect: Cheers and applause, 4 sec >

LITTLE TIMMY: Who...who ARE you?

The Ghost of Christmas Past: Why, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past! Look through the window and you'll see what your THING-THAT-SPAWNED'S life would have been like if you weren't spawned!

< looking through the window, we see THING-THAT-SPAWNED. It's younger, of course, and prettier, but it's wearing entirely too much make-up, it's blouse is cut WAAAAY too low and it's showing too many tentacles. THING-THAT-SPAWNED is standing against a wall, waiting for the other Elder Beings to offer to dance. Of course, this is a dance-hall and she's a "hostess" who charges for dances...and other things. >

< Camera pans to the right. SPECIAL GUEST STAR Forigner can be seen playing as a new song starts >:

Well, It's a sacrifice, check it and see
I'll ruin planets now I'm unbound and free!
Come on baby, do you do more than spawn?
I've got some blood, I've got some blood!

You don't have to appease me
When I am unbound and free
Honey you oughta know
Now you move so fine,
Let's finish off this bloodline!
I wanna know what you're doin' after the show
Now it's up to you, we can make a secret rendezvous
Just me and you, I'll show you mayhem' like you never knew!

Well, It's a sacrifice, check it and see
I'll ruin planets now I'm unbound and free!
Come on baby, do you do more than spawn?
I've got some blood, I've got some blood!

< camera, during song pans back to THING-THAT-SPAWNED. She's taking human internal organs from Elder Gods and dancing briefly with them. As they dance, their tentacles keep...touching her pseudopods, stroking her ichor >

Ghost of Christmas Past: See!? SEE what you did by not being spawned?

LITTLE TIMMY < shocked >: She's not the THING-THAT-SPAWNED-ME any more! She's the THING-THAT-WHORED! What have I done?!

Ghost of Christmas Past: You ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!

< commercial break >

< end commercial break >

Ghost of Christmas Past: Well, my time's up. Time for your next appointment

LITTLE TIMMY: But wait! Can I undo this?

< FADE OUT swirling lights again>

< LITTLE TIMMY appears in bright, almost cartoony landscape. >

LITTLE TIMMY: Now what's going on, I wonder?

Ghost of Christmas Present (played by Harvey Korman): You're in the present, dumb-dumb. Didn't you figure ANYTHING out from your last visit?

< audience effect, cheers and applause, 4 sec >

LITTLE TIMMY: I..I guess so. Are you the Ghost of Christmas Present?

Ghost of Christmas Present: Ooooh. You ARE a smart one.

< a Muppet-animal frolics by >

LITTLE TIMMY: Where are we?

Ghost of Christmas Present: Look over there...

< camera pans and we see THING-THAT-SPAWNED...or more accurately, THING-THAT-BLOATED. It's old, far older than it should be, fat, and very tired looking. It reaches out a pseudopod, grabs Miss Piggy and slurps her down it's gullet >

Ghost of Christmas Present: After her looks went, she couldn't get by dancing anymore. And without you to spur her on to bigger and better things, it drifted down to this pocket dimension where she just sits and eats. No blood at all, but the pickings are easy!

< Kermit de Frog walks on. He sings... >
It's not easy
Being green
< the song abruptly stops when THING-THAT-SPAWNS grabs him and eats him. She belches and doesn't look any too happy >

LITTLE TIMMY: NO! I didn't know it would be like this! I didn't mean it! I wish it I never MADE THAT WISH!

Ghost of Christmas Present: I hate that cliche! Anyway, kid you've got one more visitor...

< Fade out...color swirling again >
< Little Timmy finds himself at a graveside. It's bright and sunny but only a few mourners are there >

Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be < Played by Charro, in a tiny Santa suit >: CootchieCootchieCootchie! I cham the Chost of Christmas Jet to Be! Joo are dat kid that didn' wanna be spawned?

< audience effect, cheers, applause and whistles, 6 sec >

LITTLE TIMMY: Yes

Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be: Look at what choo done! Do chu know who's grave that is?

LITTLE TIMMY: no.

Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be: That chis choor THING-THAT-SPAWNED-CHOO's grave! Choor selfish Christmas wish killed cher!

LITTLE TIMMY < weeping >: No! No! NO! I TAKE IT BACK! I DON'T WISH THAT I'D NEVER BEEN SPAWNED!

Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be: It's not that easy. Choo gotta get choor wish back from the Spirit of Christmas!

LITTLE TIMMY: But how can I find the Spirit of Christmas?

Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be: I know this guy. I t'ink he can help choo.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be puts her fingers in her mouth and whistles. From nowhere, a cab shows up. The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be gestures and they both get in. The driver (played by Tim Conway) is a shadowy figure- Charon-esque almost.

Cabbie: Where to, lady?

< audience effect, cheers, applause and whistles, 3 sec >

Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be: We need to talk to a hero. Chu know who I mean?

Cabbie: Got it!

< brief montage and we're in front of a very nice suburban house. Someone's in the front yard, making a snowman. >

Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be: Chu get out and talk to chim. He's a chero and if he can't chlep choo, noone can!

LITTLE TIMMY: I will. Thank you for your help! And yours too Mr. Cabdriver!

Cabbie: Think nothing of it!

< cab drives off >

< LITTLE TIMMY approaches the man...his back's to us >

LITTLE TIMMY: Mister? I made a bad Christmas wish and Ghost of Christmas Yet To Be said you were a REAL hero and could help me.

<The man turns around and it's football legend Joe Namath! >

< audience effect, cheers, applause and whistles, 8 sec >

Joe: Son, I've made bad wishes too. But if you make a wish on Christmas Eve, your wish is collected by the Christmas Spirit! If you want to see Her, you'll have to speak to Her boss!

LITTLE TIMMY: But...how do I do that? Where do I find him?

Joe Namath: You talk to It EVERY night before you go to sleep!

LITTLE TIMMY: No I don't?

Joe Namath < prentending to be shocked >: You mean you DON'T say your prayers?

LITTLE TIMMY <amazed> : You mean, SHUB-NIGGURATH!?

Joe Namath: Yes LITTLE TIMMY! Why don't we say our prayers now and see what IT says!

< Joe gets down on his knees (LITTLE TIMMY bends his tentacles), Joe clasps his hands in front of his face (LITTLE TIMMY clasps his pseudopods) and TIMMY begins praying aloud.>

LITTLE TIMMY: SHUB-NIGGURATH, I made a bad wish and I need to see the Christmas Spirit. Can you take me to her?

< everything fades out except a spotlight on LITTLE TIMMY >

< commercial break >

< end commercial break >

< Fade out >
< Fade in...TIMMY is standing on an empty stage, dry ice smoke on the floor, a single spotlight hitting TIMMY >

SHUB-NIGGURATH'S VOICE (played by James Earl Jones): LITTLE TIMMY! DO YOU REPENT OF YOUR WISH?

< audience effect, cheers, applause and whistles, 3 sec >

LITTLE TIMMY: Yes!

SHUB-NIGGURATH: TELL ME WHY!

LITTLE TIMMY: Because Christmas isn't about getting things. It's about being with the people you love. And I love my THING-THAT-SPAWNED-ME and I want her back!

SHUB-NIGGURATH: YOU HAVE LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON. DO NOT FORGET IT!
< pause >
SHUB-NIGGURATH: MARY! THERE'S SOMEONE HERE TO SEE YOU!

< second spotlight appears and Kim "Tootie" Fields, dressed in a skimpy green elf-outfit appears and tapdances over to TIMMY >

< audience effect, cheers, applause and whistles, 6 sec >

Christmas Spirit: Hi TIMMY! I'm
< sings >

Sugarplum Mary, the Christmas Spirit!
Sing it LOUD so everyone can hear it!
I listen for the wishes of every Younger Thing
And every single Christmas, their true wishes I bring!
I bring them sacrificial lambs and cultists all galore!
I bring them lost and evil tomes and barrels of ichor!
But every not and then, a wish will go astray
So talk to me and tell me now just what you want to say!
< song ends >

Christmas Spirit < speaks >: SHUB-NIGGURATH says you want to talk to me.

LITTLE TIMMY: Please can I have my Christmas wish back? I DO wish I'd been spawned. I DO!

Christmas Spirit: Of course you can! All you had to do was ask! Here it is.

< shine a bunch of very bright spotlights on a wadded up piece of tinfoil. The glare'll make it look good. She hands it to TIMMY who tucks it into his pocket. >

Christmas Spirit < sings >
You've taken back your wish
It really was fiendish
A Christmas wish must be
Something happier, you see
A bad wish makes things worse
Your hopes and dreams disperse
A good one makes things fine
and all our hopes WILLL SHIIINE!

SHUB-NIGGURATH: LITTLE TIMMY! IF THAT ISN'T YOUR CHRISTMAS WISH, THEN YOU STILL HAVE ONE COMING TO YOU! WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE IT NOW?

LITTLE TIMMY: I wish I was back with my THING-THAT-SPAWNED and everything was JUST LIKE it was!

SHUB-NIGGURATH: SO BE IT

< spinning colors dissolve into... >

< Scene: Inside a dog pound. A puppy (played by the Daggit from Battlestar Galactica) in the dog pound is trying to escape. Suddenly a brief flash of light appears and the lock melts. The puppy runs off. >

SHUB-NIGGURATH's voice: SUGARPLUM MARY...IT'S ONE WISH PER YOUNGER THING. YOU'LL SPOIL HIM!

Christmas Spirit's voice: Awwww C'mon boss! Lighten up! After all...it's CHRISTMAS!

< laugh track, 6 sec >
< dissolve to... >
< LITTLE TIMMY is in his sleeping nodule, snuggled under the covers. Was it only a dream?
He opens one eye-stalk and looks around. Rushing out of bed he hurries into the main room and there's THING-THAT-SPAWNED as good as new! She's cooking breakfast. She notices LITTLE TIMMY. >

THING-THAT-SPAWNED: LITTLE TIMMY...I...I'm sorry. Santa couldn't bring you a puppy. I hope this doesn't ruin your Christmas.

LITTLE TIMMY < rushes up to THING-THAT-SPAWNED > : Of course not! Christmas isn't about getting things. It's about being with the people you love. And I love you THING-THAT-SPAWNED-ME most of all!

< THING-THAT-SPAWNED hugs LITTLE TIMMY. LITTLE TIMMY hugs back. But wait! There's a scratching at the front door. LITTLE TIMMY opens the door and it's the puppy! >

LITTLE TIMMY: Oh THING-THAT-SPAWNED-ME! It's a Christmas miracle? Can I have him? Pleassse?

THING-THAT-SPAWNED: Of course!

< LITTLE TIMMY CTHULHU pops the puppy in his eating orifice and begins crunching happily. >

LITTLE TIMMY: This is the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!

< As the FADEOUT begins, the Christmas Spirit's song begins to play in the background >

A Christmas wish must be
Something happier, you see
A bad wish makes things worse
Your hopes and dreams disperse
A good one makes things fine
and all our hopes WILLL SHIIINE!

THE END